By John Danz Jr – [email protected]
Something tells me that if your average TSA agent were to walk through an x-ray machine, it would confirm what we already knew: They are brainless imbeciles.
Full body scanners and random pat downs are among some of the more controversial measures that the TSA have implemented to keep us all safe and attempt to make us think that terrorists are only targeting our airplanes. Such a vain industry – don’t these people know that terrorists will get bored with planes and start bombing other things? They selfishly think they’re the only place vulnerable to a terrorist attack. Hey, spread the recognition around a little bit, would you?
I digress and enter another tale from another citizen violated by another robotic, stoic, prison guard-esque TSA agent.
Thomas Sawyer (no relation to the other guy) is a 61 year old retired teacher. He fought and won against bladder cancer, but as a result has to wear a urostomy bag to collect his urine. This particular bag was an item of interest for the brain-dead Detroit Metro TSA agents, so they pulled him aside for a pat down. He asked to be taken to a private place due to his condition, but at first the nonchalant officers disallowed it. Shockingly, they actually showed some form of humanity and took him to an office, where they would scan him again – without a belt. His pants fell down and when he asked if he could pull them up, they refused.
Before they got to the pat down portion of their sideshow, they finally saw his urostomy bag after he took off his sweatshirt. Even after warning the officer that the bag could break if tapped hard enough, the perspicacity-lacking blockhead sure enough broke the bag, sending piss dripping down his shirt and pants. Sans apology, sans second thoughts, the TSA-holes sent him on his way. He walked through the airport and boarded his plane soaked in urine, humiliated and upset.
This question is obvious, given the overall lack of competence shown by the TSA grunts and goons on the front lines, but I’ll ask it anyway for the hell of it: How do you NOT recognize a urostomy bag? It’s a big plastic bag filled with urine connected to a hose that leads to his bladder! No, it could be a mixture that is utilized in the creation of a bomb, which is fed through a stoma sticking out of his belly that leads to his bladder! He’s harvesting chemicals for incendiary devices inside his body! HE PERSPIRES URANIUM!
The sadness of it all is that the TSA has to explore that notion to give us all the illusion of safety.
You know what? If the TSA is so adamant about keeping us safe and making sure the terrorists have one more small roadblock to pass over to get a bomb on board, they should have smell and taste tested the contents of his bag. If these incredulous jackasses are so eager to protect us, they should get a little dirty for the occasion. Instead, they’d rather be bullies, assert their dominance and do it all with the vague sound of the Star Spangled Banner resonating in their empty heads and seeing every passenger as a possible source of in-flight weaponry. Touching breasts, fondling penises, humiliating handicapped patrons and disregarding privacy along the way. It’s ridiculous.
And like any good bully, they block your escape route. If you refuse to let one of these borderline-perverted TSA-holes feel you up, you could be slapped with a $11,000 fine and they could have you arrested.
If we absolutely have to trade our freedoms for this false feeling of safety, then why can’t the TSA at least be humane about the whole ordeal?
This just in: TSA officers are employed by the government! I guess that leaves my question with a resounding “no.”
John Danz Jr. is a work in progress, who enjoys the freedom of writing. Contact him at [email protected].