The Unofficial Guide to Christmas
1. Don’t steal your neighbours decorations
It may sound like a good idea but it really isn’t. If you don’t have any decorations, time travel back to every Christmas where you stupidly threw all your Christmas decorations away. So if you’re about twenty, you should have about 20 sets of decorations, that’s a lot of tinsel and a lot of balls.
2. Sleep outside Primark
Ever been to Primark but not found what you’re looking for? Yeah, that’s because you’ve gone when it’s packed and the shop resembles a glorified jumble sale. My advice? Come to the store when it’s early if you wish to avoid what I can only describe as an army of mothers and picky shoppers. Ever watched lord of the rings? Remember the Orcs? Well those customers who grumble are those Orcs! Be careful, it’s a warzone out there!
3. Buy turkeys and chickens in advance
When it comes to chicken and turkey at Christmas time, there is a big slaughter in the farms. Butchers get empty pretty quickly. You’ll be surprised how quickly the shops run out. Remedy? Buy in advance, well in advance. And no, I don’t mean borrow a TARDIS and travel back in time to steal your KFC bucket from yourself in an elaborate plan to save the future of Christmas. No, that would be too dramatic. Buy a chicken and a turkey and stock pile for the Armageddon of all chikendom come Christmas time. Just remember to thaw.
4. Buy a Christmas film and listen to that rubbish number 1
Christmas isn’t really Christmas unless you’ve watched a cheesy Christmas movie, probably starring Tim Allen no doubt, or Arnold Schwarzenegger yelling “get into the chopper-christmasmobile!” Then there is the X-factor, which will no doubt churn out another cheesy Christmas number 1 just in time for Christmas. Pray you get ear plugs for Christmas.
5. Wish everyone a Merry Christmas
If you happen to have kids, television has already programmed their poor minds to badger you for every sort of toy under the sun. They’ll be wishing you a happy Christmas long before Christmas actually arrives and your over-happy neighbors just might do the same. How do you avoid people constantly badgering you with merry Christmas? You have to wish them a merry Christmas first. The first few days will go by with people wishing you a merry Christmas in reply but soon they’ll run away from you before long to avoid your ‘jolly turrets’.
