Finally The Final

Two weeks ago on American Idol:

Yikes! What happened on AI tonight? Luuuuucy, you haf some ‘splaining to do!

You cannot underestimate a beautiful woman with sparkling eyes who can sing. And Katherine McPhee is just that. It caused me to vote for her 10,000 times and, just to be sure, I text messaged her number another 1,000 times last night.

Once Ryan Seacrest, who speaks to me through the TV, told me it was okay to vote for my favorite idol, he didn’t have to ask me twice!

Katherine McPhee
Fox Television Network

Okay, I did watch the season finale of Veronica Mars first and then Boston Legal afterwards, but then I voted my fingers to the bone. The old lady who kept answering the phone refused to record my votes for Kathy and threatened to call the police if I didn’t stop calling her in the middle of the night! I don’t understand why American Idol hires people who don’t record your votes. I mean, doesn’t that taint the show?

As I conclude this little missive from my tiny jail cell, I wonder how American Idol can be so massively popular if their viewers, who are commanded by Ryan Seacrest to vote for our favorite Idol, end up in jail…

Last week on American Idol:

And then there were two…Elliott, we hardly knew ya. So long, old soul. I was mildly shocked, after Ryan Seacrest commanded me once more to vote for the singers on American Idol, waiting of course until the phone lines were open, that Katherine McPhee survived again. I thought people might have taken their revenge on Ms. McPhee after beating out Chris Daughtry despite a horrible performance on one song, including flubbing a line (sac-relige!).

I voted for Taylor Hicks because he seems genuine and I like his tone of voice. Plus, by voting for him, you get to be in the Soul Patrol! Once on the Soul Patrol, you are assigned to a local unit to hunt down those who are lacking Soul, whereupon finding such miserable creatures, the Soul Patrol officers proceed to “Funkify” the suspects with a large dose of James Brown’s “Sex Machine (Get On Up).” Once fortified with Funk, the new and happy soulsters get down like the funky cold medinas they are.

My job done, I then report back to Taylor Hicks with the news of expanding his already fast expanding members of the Soul Patrol. Upon hearing the Good News of the newly indoctrinated Funkified Funksters, Taylor shouts out, “Oh!” And follows that with some truly funky body contortions that makes you hurt just by looking at the Soul Patrol Chief overcome with funk.

But I digress. As much as my eyes say vote for Katherine McPhee, my duties as a Soul Patrol officer preclude me from doing so. In order to avoid my temptations to vote for McPhee and yet be able to watch the Finals this Tuesday, I will don my special Soul Patrol 3-D glasses, handed out to all members, thus distorting McPhee’s sparkling brown eyes that subliminally blink, “Vote McPhee”! So I ask you, how crazy is that?!

Richard L. Barrett, III is a writer with a BA in English Literature, who loves to write about the human condition