Top 10 Ways to Make American’s Get Off Their Butts and Vote

I read today that only 39% of Americans voted in the election today. In case some of you were too busy twittering and didn’t know, November 2nd, was the general election. They call it general because it includes general things to vote for; like members of the house, senators, governor’s, other city officials, and of course, the most important thing of all, the measure to decide whether pot would be legal or not in California.

I’ll be honest, I wasn’t going to vote today. I guess my impression of the electoral process was tainted with the Florida fiasco, and that time I went to vote in the presidential election and this lady gave me two cards by mistake. I turned the extra one in, and then got a letter later on saying my vote didn’t count because I had moved and they didn’t get my new address.

But then today I got a mass email from this guy named Michael Moore, urging us to vote, and decided, what the heck.

I arrived at the voting location, with forty minutes to spare, and one guy told me to walk up some stairs. I followed some hand drawn signs and found some other people, and walked in and spoke to some people at the closest table. They told me to go to another table.

After shouting out my name even after handing him my license which he could not read, the guy at the second table told me I was not on a list and to go to another table that had some Spanish language sign on it. “Do I look Mexican?” I thought. “Hi, can I help you?” A guy asked. “I don’t know, that Asian guy told me to come over here, so here I am.” I said. They laughed, and repeated- “The Asian guy! Hahaha!” Oh boy. I could tell none of these Mexican guys worked in the movie business. I’m a talent manager, I thought, you know, the white dude! Ethnicity is a descriptive term, kind of like “the busty blonde chick” or “the short fat kid.” We love everybody.

I explained to them that I registered to vote when I got my license, that I filled it out there. After I experienced another guy who could not read, they looked at each other and laughed. “Ahahahahah! The DMV?!” They stopped laughing and then looked at me with seriousness, “They don’t really do anything like that there.” “What?!” I said shocked, “It stated to fill the form out on the back to register to vote, and I did! Don’t they send them to you guys?” “Usually not, or never on time,” they all told me. “That’s terrible,” I replied. It makes sense though I guess, it ‘is’ the DMV.” I add. “Yeah,” They nodded their heads sadly.

For those of you not from California, the DMV is the California Department of Motor Vehicles, which, as I have explained in an article earlier, would be a few rungs lower in Dante’s Inferno, below even the hell of the post office and the downtown L.A. library where the bums and whino’s camp out, body funk and all.

And so I filled out the second class citizen- provisional ballot, punched holes next to a few word games, and other lines, sealed it, and handed it in for Homeland Security. I was given a pink piece of scrap paper with some words indicating that I needed to call some number within forty days to see if my vote was actually counted.

The Republicans won the House. The Democrats won the Senate, and California. The Stoner’s- who were the only ones who brought real attention to this election in California- lost their legal weed, and those ones here in California that had no one running against them, with no hole to punch but theirs, well, I guess they won too.

I later saw a survey asking American’s what could be done to make more people get out and vote. Here’s my answer.


1, deliver the ballots with the pizza boy

2, reminders on twitter, facebook, myspace and e-mail

3, Michael Moore Public Service Announcements

4, hand out ballots at the grocery checkout, instead of those annoying coupons

5, offer free massages while waiting in line at the polls, and free wine and beer

6, stop running election scams!

7, replace all pollster volunteers with sexy models

8, have those annoying census takers that knock when you’re eating dinner slide the ballot under the door

9, make the DMV and other drivers facilities actually do their job and register voters when they get their license

10, Online voting! Duh!