And here’s why…
1. All the relatives have gone home now!
And thank God for it! I love having relatives around, but I love it just as much when they get their azzes out of my house and head on towards theirs. Let’s face it, if you can have too much fudge you can damn sure have too much of your relatives!
2. All the boyfriends/girlfriends have gone home now!
When you get to the point where you have “older” teenagers or young “twenty-ers,” they’re going to want to include their boyfriends or girlfriends of the moment into all the family Christmas festivities. Maybe I look at this inevitability all wrong, but having to be unduly nice and festive around someone that I know probably won’t be around in a year seems kind of pointless. And God, if these counterfeits start telling you about their political views or preferred charitable causes, it gets even worse. I learned to just nod and smile at them when the kid involved was lookin’ at me, then stare daggers through them when they weren’t. Hey, it might not have accomplished anything but it damn sure made me feel better!
3. The bleeding of our wallets has temporarily ceased!
Let’s face it, this one needs no further explanation!
4. No more having to listen to schlocky Christmas songs like “Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer” or “Surfin’ Santa!”
The Christmas season has inspired some of the most beautiful music ever made, but it’s also produced some aural wretchedness the likes of which we may never witness again. Do y’all remember songs like, “Please Daddy, Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas?” Or, “The Merry Christmas Polka,” “Have A Funky, Funky Christmas,” or “Marcarena Christmas?” For y’alls sakes, I hope y’all don’t!
5. The college football bowl season really gets into swing now.
I get to watch my Yellow Jackets play Air Force in the Independence Bowl on December 27th! And my dawg friends get to watch their team play in an exciting game in Memphis, Tennessee on December 31st against, I think, Central Florida!
6. All the Christmas advertising that has been occurring since early October is over!
The only thing I will say here is that I wonder how many more years it’ll be until Christmas advertising just never stops…….
7. We’ve successfully allowed all the young children we know to continue believing in a fat, jolly man who drives a sleigh across the sky that’s powered by flying reindeer!
I gotta admit, when my kids were little sometimes I’d feel guilty about telling them such a whopper. We all lie to them about Santa, and then watch as they suffer the inevitable letdown a few years later. Don’t get me wrong, I love Santa Claus and Christmas and everything that goes with it, but let’s also openly admit that it’s a good natured lie that usually ends up breaking our kids’ hearts at some point along the way.
8. Most of the atheists will quiet down now and stop demanding equal time!
I don’t talk much about political and religious stuff, to each their own is my mantra. Nonetheless, the only reason I mention this is that I find great irony in the fact that the one time each and every year that the atheist community attracts major attention to itself is for its protests during the Christmas season!
9. All the Christmas decorations can be taken down and I can now get to my den “softer than a prom queen’s thighs” lounger without detouring around the damned tree!
This is the second one that speaks for itself!
10. No more fruitcake for awhile!
God, I was given two of these monstrosities this year. There’s nothing I can use them for, as the concrete blocks that make up my home’s foundation all seem to be in relatively good shape. That being the case, I guess the only thing to do is wrap ’em both up and then palm them off on someone next year that I wouldn’t want to waste a real gift buying effort on. Sounds bad, but I wouldn’t be surprised if the two I have in my possession haven’t been passed around more than an NFL football anyway, so I might as well keep their tradition alive.
Now, please tell me that the 26th of December isn’t a day to celebrate ’til our heinies whine and our pinkies think!