We all know now that neither President Clinton nor President Bush vigorously exerted any effort to assassinate this unscrupulous Muslim villain. Congress declared war on Iraq and Saddam Hussein, but no one actively declared a Western Jihad on al-Qaeda, Osama’s informal organization of devout suicidal Mujahedeen. The hunt for Osama goes on, so we’re told, but I have my doubts that we are doing everything possible to find him and bring him to justice.
Here are some things each red-blooded, level-headed, patriotic, and tolerant American should consider:
1. Take a Muslim out to lunch during Ramadan. They are not supposed to eat anything from sun up to sun down during that religious holiday and could use a mid-day meal. Someone knows where Osama is.
2. Since Friday is considered the Sabbath in the Islamic world, be sure you avoid visiting their little boutiques in the Bazaar on Friday. Instead do your shopping on Sunday, the Lord’s Day (not Allah’s).
3. Do not use the word “Crusade” in the presence of a Muslim. Doing that brings back deep feelings of animosity in devout Muslims toward our European Christian friends.
4. Donate any excess shekels you have after taxes to your favorite Jewish charity. This is the only way to be sure that the money won’t be used to fund training schools for Muslim terrorists in the Middle East.
5. When you think about driving your car, remember the question we were supposed to ask ourselves during WWII: Is this trip really necessary? Every gallon of gas saved reduces the chance that the Arab Oil Sheiks will prosper in their economic Jihad to bring down the arrogant Western economies.
6. When you go to the polls in November, be sure you know how your candidate for the House stands on finding Osama bin Laden, dead or alive. There are some active sympathizers in Congress against profiling visitors and interrogating prisoners in our custody who just might know where bin Laden is located.
7. Take an Arab language course so that you can help translate top secret documents obtained from informants and fatwa’s published by Ayatollahs who are protecting Muslim terrorists and their clever leaders.
8. Solicit Internet “pen-pals” in Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, and Syria who want to practice their English with you so they can visit you in America as tourists and become famous suicide bombers.
9. Volunteer to join a group of audacious young investigators who would go from cave to cave, hovel to hovel in Northern Pakistan and Eastern Afghanistan to search for Osama and anti-American propaganda. (While you are doing that, you might also identify all weapons of mass destruction and opium drug traders.)
10. The History Channel has a documentary called “Ten Ways to Stop bin Laden.” With the “no holds barred” C.I.A. in charge of making the plans, and rugged Afghanis of questionable loyalty paid to carry them out, you don’t need a trailer of the Keystone Cops from the silent movies to be amused. Join the C.I.A. and learn how hard it is to find the head of al-Qaeda when money is no object.
By the way, if and when Osama is finally found, try not to be the first one to stone him. We may need those stones to defend ourselves when the Muslim Shiites and Sunnis finally get organized to overrun the West and turn us infidels into slaves.