Humor: 10 New Year’s Resolutions for Men

Actually, 13 New Year’s Resolutions. Couldn’t resist the extra three!

1) We will stop giving the women in our lives tools on their birthday like drill bits and seed tillers. We admit it is a sneaky way of getting the tools we want and that women don’t give us linens or a new coffee maker on our birthday.

2) We will stop giving slippers the size of snowshoes to the women in our lives on their birthday. We acknowledge that women’s feet are much smaller than ours but NOT so they can get closer to the kitchen sink and wash dishes.

3) We will stop trying to vacuum pennies when we pitch in with cleaning and just bend over and pick them up. We realize the vacuum is “not a toy” and if we actually succeeded, the vacuum will rattle, smoke and have a heart attack.

4) We will stop putting empty ice trays in the freezer even though we think it is a good example of “returning something to where you got it” like we learned as children. We admit it makes us look lazy and we do know where ice comes from.

new year's resolutions for men. image modified by newsblaze
new year resolution men. image modified by newsblaze. original from Image by Jean van der Meulen from Pixabay

5) We will stop telling a woman she looks beautiful by candlelight or in total darkness and realize this is actually an insult.

6) We will stop ignoring the gas gauge when it’s on empty in pursuit of cheaper gas and for the pure adrenaline rush of trying to beat “empty.” We admit this little game can result in hiking with a gas can – and has.

7) We will cease to be anal about our car’s cleanliness from the mats to the windows to the air freshener while pretending we know nothing about cleaning when it comes to the house.

8) We will stop pretending that the dog’s drinking water remaining from yesterday means we don’t have to fill the bowl today. (“He has water.”) We acknowledge that the germ theory has been proved and yesterday’s water might be a specimen.

9) We will stop using a sponge or dishrag that fell on the floor for the above reason.

10) We will unpack our gym bag. We admit damp clothes left for three days need to be removed and washed per not just the germ theory but also the mildew theory.

11) We will stop calling women’s new tops or pants a “nice dress.” We admit that “dress” has a different meaning in menswear and womenswear.

12) When noticing new highlights or ombre in a woman’s hair, we will not say “hey, you got a haircut.” We will accept that men get haircuts while women have their hair styled or “done.”

13) When a woman puts on perfume, we won’t say “you smell pretty.” Pretty is a visual modifier (okay for hair highlights or ombre) whereas fragrance calls for “nice” or “great.”

Happy New Year.

Martha Rosenberg is the Investigative Health Correspondent for NewsBlaze. Martha illustrates many of her stories with relevant cartoons. She was staff cartoonist at Evanston Roundtable.