Movie review
Title: Bloodrayne
Genre: Action/Horror
Release Date: Theatrical Release 1/6/06, Available on DVD 5/23/06
Stars: Kristian Loken, Michael Madsen, Ben Kingsley, Michelle Rodriguez
Director: Uwe Boll
MPAA Rating: R
Reason for Rating: For strong bloody violence and some nudity
Runtime: 1 Hour 39 minutes
Rayne (Kristian Loken) is a half human, half vampire bent on vengeance. She desires nothing more than to kill her evil father (Ben Kingsley) a vampire and sorcerer.
She dubiously teams with a trio of Vampire hunters (Michael Madsen, Michelle Rodriguez, Mathew Davis) to protect the “eye” and complete their mission. All this takes place in ancient Romania where the legends of vampires began.
Normally at this point a professional writer would open up with a cute remark properly outlining a movie’s watchability with an array of adjectives. I, however, have abandoned such a high brow path for lesser means of barbaric communication. THIS MOVIE SUCKED! I am offended at its very existence. How anyone could actually allow someone to spend over $20 million on an absolutely worthless piece of property like this is mad.
Where can I start, oh I know where all movies fail first, the script. It was awful in everyway, the dialog, the pacing, the beats, and the all important plot.
#2 the casting. Please take this as I give it faithful readers, I love Michael Madsen, but his agent should be pummeled on the street for allowing him to take this part, Mr. Black now a Carpathian vampire hunter…PLEASE! Michelle Rodriguez, hey I’m a fan, but a Hispanic chic with an accent weaving in and out of the story? She’s Lost. Donald Trump called, the casting director is Fired.
#3 the effects. Where did the money go? This was a compressed air powered blood fest with toy gore on every table. Dr. Who from the early 80’s beats this hands down on special effects, my compliments to the BBC. The costumes, need I say more?
#4 the actors. Well here you struck oil, but even talent as mighty as Sir Ben Kingsley can’t shine a pile of $%#& into gold. Kristian Loken, hot, but she needed less dialog like in Terminator 3; and by less dialog, I mean none.
#5 the directing. Uwe Boll, the video game adaptor extraordinaire, only that every film he has done is bad, really bad. Let’s simplify, shall we? If your mechanic did not know how to fix your car, would you pay him to do it anyway? Take as long as you need to answer and come back to finish reading later.
Alright, you’re back, if you answered yes to this question stop reading immediately the words become more difficult the farther you go. Still confused? If your gynecologist…ah you get the picture. This movie misses on every front a movie can miss on and it does it with money. Genre jumping, vampires, gore, horror, sorcery, and several other motifs’ I can’t recall as a defensive mechanism. Do not waste your money on this film. If you want to see a bad movie rent Shaolin Soccer. Don’t believe me yet, ok, Meatloaf stars as a vampire. Yes, Meatloaf an ancient Carpathic vampire. Somebody pound the gavel and put this one away.
Hit or No Hit: Forgive me faithful readers, but this movie does not rate a call on the field of dreams.
