Back in late October I presented a list of so-called “celebrities” who vowed to leave the country if Donald Trump won the election. Although many of the “celebrity” names will be unfamiliar to most Americans, it is now the new year and it’s time to check back to see if any of them have bid goodbye.
Here are their names and their proposed destinations.
– Lena Durham (who?) Canada – Update: Lena has not been seen north of the border. Apparently she has decided to stick it out in the land of the free and continue her long and futile struggle for the elusive stardom that even threatening to leave has not brought. Did anyone know she was planning to leave out there?
– Raven Symone (who?) Canada – Update: Again, no sightings from the RCMP up north. Like her counterpart Lena, apparently Raven continues to check in with her talent agent to determine if her phone still works. No Canadian bookings appear on the horizon, so she stays a citizen which must make The Donald more at ease knowing Raven is not airborne as at this column’s date.
– Miley Cyrus (oh please don’t go!) Parts unknown – Update: It must be the cash flowing in from her brain dead groupies that keep Miley from gracing unknown lands that can ease into her bizarre and soon-to-be-forgotten stardom. Better safe here than sorry in planet unknown, huh Miley?
– Cher (she’s still alive?) She says Jupiter (is that far enough for us?) – Update: It seems the aging has-been is being given major discounts from her army of plastic surgeons in Hollyweird who would face a life in some trailer north of Newhall without her royalties from those forgotten hits of 50-years-ago. I guess Jupiter will have to wait until they can have the proper medical staff for Cher’s special needs.
– Whoopi Goldberg (what a tragedy!) Parts unknown – Update: This isn’t Whoopi’s first go-round with threats to leave us without her still undetermined stardom. Her soapbox is still available on “The View,” where real viewers are in scarce supply. Even Barbara Wa Wa got sick of her act there.
– Rosie O’Donnell (The Donald will be in mourning for sure) Parts unknown – Update: Rumor has it that the Trump campaign staff promised to pay her ticket to wherever she wanted to go. Unfortunately, Rosie is too busy working on her comeback from whatever she is coming back from; it can’t possibly be from anything to do with comedy.
– Samuel L. Jackson (We’ll miss that festering anger) South Africa (Has he asked them if that’s OK?) – Update: Sam may have contacted South African officials about a visa to their fair country only to be told the country took a poll and decided that his latest films would stink up the environment and there are more than enough angry black men already living in those parts.
– Neve Campbell (Maybe she can learn to act in … . Canada) – Update: No go for Neve. She still wants to leave, but is disheartened that no brass band is scheduled for her arrival since Canadians want the money up front and in cash and a request of just how to pronounce her name if she hires a singer too. Canadians are confusing her with “Neve the Chimp” which was a famous circus act there that blew town when the hotel bill arrived.
– The Reverend Al Sharpton – South Africa (I don’t think the IRS will let Al go without paying millions in taxes. – Update: Heartbroken that his b______t rhetoric is a no go in the Trump White House and he is banned from the premises, The Reverend tried an end-run to the airport for his coach seat to South Africa, but crafty IRS agents were at Reagan International with a stern request for the millions he still owes them. Reportedly he tried to use his friendship with the outgoing president and one of the agents said, “who?”
– Jon Stewart – Another planet (Hope he has enough oxygen to hate Republicans and conservatives up there) – Update: Since leaving Comedy Central, the now all-but-forgotten Stewart has not stirred up the “please don’t go” chorus of sadness he anticipated. Determined to sell another failed movie script to anyone willing to listen, John was last sighted pitching Lifetime to film his own version of menopause with little success.
– George Lopez – Parts unknown (Come on George, Mexico right? You’ll be the only “star” going there interestingly) – Update: The seriously unfunny comedian of yesteryear decided Mexico was indeed his destination to get away from Trump. In a first, Mexico first wanted to know who he was and then decided they had enough unemployed comedians at the present time.
– Chelsea Handler – Spain (No real publicity for you there sad Chelsea. Nobody knows who the hell you are!) – Update: Chelsea was sighted by People Magazine’s Spanish edition searching garbage cans outside a Barcelona eatery. Saddened guests fronted her money to return to the country that once gave a s__t who she was.
– Eddie Griffin – Africa (Is al Qaeda in your future?) – Update: Eddie showed up in Nairobi al Qaeda headquarters offering his services. To his disappointment, only suicide bombers were on the help wanted list. He has returned to seek live virgins somewhere in Hollyweird.
– Chloe Sevigny – Canada (Gee Canada, so many “stars for your citizens”; who is Chloe?) – Update: Chloe showed up at the Churchill Bay International Airport to declare she was now free of Trump. She was immediately taken by ambulance to the infectious disease center to determine if “Trump” would spread to the Polar Bear population. No one had a clue who she was or what she was talking about. Chloe was last seen back in the states looking through the want ads of the Pismo Beach Daily Watch.
– Natasha Lyonne – Parts unknown (Who are these people?) – Update: Natasha became disoriented at the airport, ended up in Siberia where she is now a sensation on-stage due solely to the fact the audiences think she is part of the “Boris and Natasha” cartoon show. Uneasy about her dubious celebrity, reportedly she is trying to gather enough rubles to get back to the US before they send her to one of their infamous gulags.
– Omari Hardwick – Italy (Will Italy have a brass band ready for Omari when he/she lands?) – Update: Stopped at customs upon arriving in Italy, “Omari’s” gender could not be determined and since Italians are not politically correct, she was sent back to the US where the incoming Trump custom agents begged Canada to take a look and send him/her a ticket.
– Bryan Cranston – Canada (Maybe Bryan can set up the type of business he has in Breaking Bad?) – Update: After word spread of Cranston’s latest movie bomb in the unfunny comedy with James Franco, Canada demanded he do a sequel to “Breaking Bad” for them or keep on trucking to the Northern Territories where he could be stopped from making more bad movies.
Americans are still hopeful that others who have not made their intentions known for life in another country reconsider before Trump becomes president. Pleas have again been sent to the following:
Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Barbra Streisand, Sean Penn, Joy Bahar, Phil Donohue, Marlo Thomas, Susan Sarandon, The Reverend Jesse Jackson, Rep. Maxine Waters, former Rep. Barney Frank, Al Gore, The remaining cast of “The View,” all MSNBC personnel, Dan Rather, Charlie Rose, Matt Damon and his pal Ben Affleck,, Sen. Bernie Sanders, Bill and Hillary Clinton (free trip), Sen. Chuck Schumer, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg, Silicon Valley CEOs, Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel, Van Jones, Josh Earnest, Debbie Blabbermouth Schultz, Donna Brazille, the Hillary campaign staff, The New York Times and Washington Post staffs, 95 percent of Hollyweird celebrities, producers and directors and 99 percent of Ivy League professors, think tankers and academics along with 95 percent of the national pollsters, Loretta Lynch and Eric Holder.
Please help us help others to kindly re-think putting off immediate exile somewhere other than America as the new era begins January 20th.
My list would also include: __________________________________________________
Thank you tired Americans.