Weiner Stiffens Resolve, Won’t Pull Out!

As amazing as this may seem, it appears that Congressman Anthony Weiner is not going to pull out of his House seat, on the contrary, he appears to be stiffening his resolve to hold on and weather out the storm!

I can’t get over it. And there a bit of good news in all this, and that’s this fact – politics really can be a life-time career! I mean, think about it. If someone can survive something like this, it says that you can be a member of Congress and spend your time doing things like sending out pics of your trouser pony to ladies you don’t even know. You can even lie like a rug at your subsequent “coming clean” press conference and still go on with your political career. It’s a license to sin and profiteer frp, that even us writers don’t enjoy, at least not to the degree politicians do.

Y’all get this – according to a number of published accounts, Congressman Weiner apologized to Bill Clinton for his actions. Apologize to Bill Clinton? That would be like me apologizing to someone for eating a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup DQ Blizzard. I actually like President Clinton, but I still resent the fact that back then I had to explain to my eight and eleven year old kids why a lady’s dress was in the news and why President Clinton was in trouble over it. You don’t forget about stuff like that, so for Weiner to apologize to Clinton is like Saddam apologizing to Hitler for killing too many people. Geez, is he really that obnoxious or oblivious to the world that the rest of us live in? Do I actually want an answer to that? Ummm, well no, so let’s move on to the next paragraph.

Let me try and take a different tact. As someone who has been less than an angel in the past, maybe I should look at this as an opportunity. I’ve got it! I could write a political book/primer on what sins out there are available to politicians and how they can wiggle their way out of them if they’re caught doing them! Wouldn’t that be the coolest? Let’s see if I can at least start working on an outline for it now, beginning with these various sins and Houdini-like escapes:

A Various Sin Recommended Escape

1. Drinking.

Recommended Escape: Apologize, vow to attend AA meetings, attend the first few that the media folks show up for, then pitch a public drunk a year or so later to re-ratchet up the sympathy.

2. Sexual misconduct.

Recommended Escape: If single, brag about being really close to various key constituencies, then show upwith blonde sporting a Christina Hendricks level rack at some stuffy Washington function. Watch the reality show offers start pouring in!

If married, keep indulging until

caught, then solemnly announce

that you’re taking a sabbatical

to some far off place in order to

contemplate and reflect. Go

there, enjoy all the weird heiny-

times you want, then come back

and solemnly proclaim yourself

“cured.” When the inevitable

relapse occurs, repeat the

process, just use more

religious-tinged phrases as

needed throughout.

3. Excessive profanity.

Recommended Escape: Get indignant, claim you care too much about your country and

aren’t apologizing for it, then advise the press to go insert

various foreign objects into their orifices of choice. Watch

your poll numbers go up twenty or thirty percent in coming weeks!

Man, I’m on to something here, aren’t I? I think I’m going to list off some more sins now, at least sins I’ve been involved in during the past, so I’ll write my next article here soon as I’ve finished cataloguing them all off. Given what’s transpired during my life, expect another artackle from me sometimes during the first quarter of 2037 – maybe later!

Ed Williams
Ed Williams is a Southern Author/Speaker/Humorist from Juliette, Georgia. He loves Atomic Fireballs, Bachman-Turner Overdrive, and anyone who appreciates honin a good tulip! His new Christmas novel, ChristmaSin' is available at www.christmasinthebook.com