The Many Brands of Donald Trump

There are many ways a person can get their name up in lights. Star in a Broadway show. Invent a new source of renewable energy. Travel to Mars. Rob a bank. Create an innovative new technology like Quincy Jones did with Playground Sessions. Or simply be Donald Trump.

It turns out the Donald has never really been satisfied with being just a household name, not even now as a presidential candidate. He wants to be THE brand name in your life, kind of like Nike and Jello, by creating a slew of licensed products for everything but the kitchen sink. (And if you can think of a good plumbing joke to insert here there’ll be a piece of Trump chocolate put under your pillow tonight by the Trump fairy!)

Of course everyone knows about Trump Hotels, where the bellhops all wear blonde wigs, and Trump Golf Courses, where the sand traps are full of shredded Vote for Hillary posters, and the Trump Casinos, which feature slot machines that pay off with racial and religious jokes a la Don Rickles. Trump almost made himself into a permanent and ubiquitous brand with his reality show, as well, where he clearly relished firing everyone from the sales manager to the janitor. But the public is a fickle mistress — they use up and discard celebs like a man with a cold uses up Kleenex.

And so his thirst for fame (as well as a few more bucks in the vault) remains unslaked. Here are some of the more surprising items he owns as licensed brands:

Feel like a snort or two? Why not try Trump Vodka! Produced by a Dutch distillery, it was mass marketed in the United States in 2008, but didn’t manage to make much of a dent in the public’s ardent spirits consciousness. So now you can only find it for sale in Israel, where it is considered kosher for religious holidays such as Passover. So bring home a bottle the next time you visit the Promised Land to display next to the menorah, boychick.

Trump Energy Drink is a big hit in Israel, but has yet to make its mark here in the USA. But you can buy empty cans of it on eBay for . . . well, you’ll think of something.

The next time you get out the grill, make sure you have some Trump steaks on hand. If Donald himself can stand up the grilling he’s gotten from Hillary and the media, just think how his yum-ilicious steaks will hold up under your tender grilling! Of course they were extremely expensive, flash-frozen by a company called Buckhead Beef, and offered in a severe black box with the iconic Trump name in gold letters. And they are not currently being marketed anymore. But hey, some dudes somewhere have certainly got them stashed away in a couple of big walk-in freezers, and will be tailgating with them at the upcoming inauguration . . .

Trump Home is a furniture line that includes lamps, chairs, tables, beds, and hand-woven rugs from the wilds of New Jersey. It’s going to be quite the deal when you can say to the neighbors: “Our home was furnished by President Trump!” But, uh, don’t hold your breath . . .

Everyone’s heard of Trump University (whether they want to or not) but have you heard about the Donald Trump Golf Lessons? Get into the swing of things with these easy-to-understand lessons. They’re patented, researched, guaranteed — and now they’re being audited . . .

And don’t talk about a ‘fragrance experience’ unless you’re talking about Trump Fragrances, manufactured exclusively for Trump by Estee Lauder. These colognes exude a miasma of powerful masculinity. In fact, marketers are still groping for the proper adjectives to describe this product (sorry, that joke was as irresistible as his fragrances).

Got a sweet tooth? How about a Trump Gold Bullion Chocolate Bar? They’re made by those expert chocolatiers in Indiana — when you think of Muncie, you think of fine chocolate! Visit any Trump Hotel and you’ll find them in the gift shop, under your pillow, and smeared across your bill. Unfortunately, you won’t find any Trump Dentistry Clinics around yet — but his staff is working on it.

And what can we expect if a Certain Somebody makes it to the White House this year? Well, for starters, persons in the know have indicated that there might be a Statue of Trumpery in New York Harbor; a Trumpington Monument on the Mall in D.C.; and rumors are rife that a team of surveyors is already poking around Mount Rushmore to see if there is room for just one more profile.

Melissa Thompson writes about a wide range of topics, revealing interesting things we didn’t know before. She is a freelance USA Today producer, and a Technorati contributor.