“Even though you can’t expect to defeat the absurdity of the world, you must make that attempt. That’s morality, that’s religion. That’s art. That’s life.” Phil Ochs
In his speech today Barack Obama said he wants to return Israel to its pre 1967 borders. He then immediately insisted the United States give the Indians back Manhattan Island in return for the $24.00 worth of crap paid by Peter Minuit.
The Hispanic community has already called to tell Obama they insist on the return of California to pre Spanish-American war borders while a slew of lawsuits were filed against the US by Apache, Hopi and numerous other Native American tribes.
President Obama said the idea that countries should keep conquered lands is Un-American and against national values.
Despite the fact Israel was attacked by the entire Arab world repeatedly, but beat them down with their army until they had to be pulled off, Obama said the poor Arabs are entitled to their land back. He then called Israel an uncooperative and aggressor nation and also noted that many Jews had the audacity to even fight back when led into the camps to be killed during World War II.
The American President also suggested the US forgive the debts of their Middle Eastern friends, because he bragged, “Americans don’t need the money.”
He said he has also called for a meeting with Donald Trump to discuss donating Trump Towers and Trump Plaza to the Indians for a casino on Fifth Avenue.
Obama said that going to war with other nations and interfering with their inner government workings is wrong and he cannot sanction such behavior.
He was interrupted by a call from Hillary Clinton to secure his permission to increase the use of drones in Afghanistan and send troops into Libya to oust Gaddafi.
He pointed out that his interference in Egypt to overthrow Mubarak and install the Muslim Brotherhood in power had nothing to do with the fact Egypt was Israel’s only friend in the Middle East.
He reiterated how much he loved the Jewish people and would protect Israel, then announced he was appointing Louis Farrakhan Under-Secretary of State for Middle East affairs.
American Jewish leaders were quick to applaud Obama’s appointment saying, “We love him and we know he is looking out for our best interests.”
The American Nazi Party announced they will hold a celebration in Obama’s honor Tuesday and issued the following statement.
“We are certain the President is in line with our ideals as an organization. His stance on the Middle East has brought happiness and a new sense of hope to our cause. The Fuehrer would be so proud.”
Obama is expected to enter discussions next month with British Prime Minister Cameron about the return of the Thirteen Colonies and war reparations to Britain.
The British government said in the spirit of friendship it is returning its conquered lands including the Falkland Islands to their rightful owners.
Legal experts from Harvard University said these land returns could start a new wave of cooperation throughout the world, and then placed armed guards at Harvard’s entrance to protect students from the rioting British outside.
Queen Elizabeth II has filed suit in the name of King George III, her 3rd great grandfather, in the international court in The Hague, alleging he was of unsound mind when he allowed the colonists to take British land.
“My ancestor was not of his right mind and thus a terrible mistake occurred during his reign. We intend to actively seek reparations from the United States and are hopeful our case will prevail. I have had my eye on an estate in Kennebunkport, Maine, for quite a while, but the Royal Wedding was expensive so once the US is returned I can move right in.”
Upon hearing the Queen’s message Obama quipped. “I will play her three games of one on one for the entire east coast.” Reporters in the room broke into uncontrollable fits of laughter and noted the President’s quick wit and great sense of humor.
French President Sarkozy has planned a trip to New Orleans this summer where he intends to investigate legal records of the Louisiana Purchase to ensure the US “didn’t pull a fast one there.”
Meanwhile in California, lawmakers are checking out rumors Arnold signed San Diego over to his mistress and baby mama while in office. Gloria Allred, representing the mistress, sobbed openly as she held the baby mama’s hand.
“This poor woman was only making fifty thousand a year and living a secret. One city in her name is the least Arnold can do to make up for the horrible way she was treated.”
Responding to Obama’s newest plan for Israel, Netanyahu told reporters: “We are looking forward to the next visit by our good friend Barack Obama. We have a special welcome planned for him that is being co-hosted by Mubarak. We can hardly wait until he gets here to show him all the love.”