Battle Of The Polar Bear


Berlin, Germany

Or maybe this should be titled, “Love in the afternoon.”

Kurt the much adored polar bear has already had some tough breaks in his young life. Now animal rights organization PETA who often make some smart moves, and sometimes gets involved in truly stupid acts, wants poor Kurt the polar bear neutered.

A first thought is that perhaps Kurt is thinking naughty. Kurt’s in love with a girlfriend polar who returns his affections.

Filing a legal petition to hack away Kurt’s private part is a new level of dumb even for sometimes remarkably wonderful PETA.

Berlin Zoo, home to Kurt where thousands of adoring fans idealized Kurt, is not happy with PETA these days. Today adolescent Kurt has fallen in love with a young lady polar who seems to like him, too.

But PETA has determined that Kurt and his lady share a common grandfather. That would make them possibly cousins. PETA deems such a marriage to be a genetic risk. So a natural… or in Kurt’s world, solution, is to send Kurt for a hack job. In short, PETA wants to put castration on Kurt’s calendar.

A Berlin local English newspaper reports:

“Kurt is doing just fine, thank you. Berlin’s leading furry citizen is all grown-up. No longer an adorable celebrity fuzzball, Kurt’s become a man – so to speak.

He’s even got a live-in girlfriend at his small yet centrally located bear pad in the German capital. The only thing missing for an ursine happily-ever-after to this story is a couple of cute cubs of his own. That is, if it weren’t for the killjoys at Peta.

This week the animal rights group claimed that Kurt and his lady Giovanna shared the same grandfather – which could lead to detrimental inbreeding should the two decide to start a family.

The solution?

Castrate Kurt!”

PETA picked the wrong city to mess with. The Berlin hockey team is known as “die Eisbaren” or “the polar bears”.

European sports fans take their teams very seriously. Teams commonly have a team song, which all good fans must know.

The Puhdys, one of the greatest rock bands of all time composed a team song for the Eisbaren which has become the team standard. The song is called “Hey ! Wir Wollen Die Eisbaren Sehen” which translates as “Hey, We Want to See The Polar Bears !”

It has been sung at plenty of hockey games and evokes images of polar bears that look cuddly and lovable, as long as you keep your distance.

If Berlin followers get their way, Kurt and his lady fair will share a candlelight dinner in their love nest. Soon their tiny bundles of polar bear joy will be munching on polar versions of Gerber’s Baby chow, which will hopefully come packaged in pureed containers for maximum nutrition.

Stay tuned for the next episode of “Kurt’s Big Adventure.”

Editor’s Note: To allay suffering for those who fear Global Warming, PETA states that there are now more polar bears alive on the planet than there have been since 1931. I wonder what Al Gore has to say about that?

(c) Strasbaugh

Claudia Strasbaugh was a freelance writer who founded Scripps Ranch/Mira Mesa Writer’s Guild, was head writer for the weekly TV show “Kill ‘EM With Comedy”, plus California Bureau Chief for National Lotto World Magazine. Claudia also ran a non profit called Dinner On A Dollar. Sadly, Claudia passed away in 2015, but we are pleased to display her writing works.