Note: In case you miss the point of the following article – no, I don’t condone infidelity. See e-mail address at the bottom if you need a clearer picture. Thank you.
Tiger Woods is now tied for the lead at The Barclays in New Jersey after shooting a true-to-old-form 65 today. Sadly, that’s not the top story concerning Tiger.
Now, in the past, I always pulled for Tiger to lose because he was just one of those athletes that I felt I was being told to admire by the media and others. Then came the media storm surrounding his infidelity. These days, I cheer for him to win. I feel for the guy – he’s seemingly the only guy on this planet that isn’t allowed to be human and make human mistakes. He’s also seemingly the only human that can’t be forgiven.
For those reasons, I now feel a spot of sympathy for Woods. Sure, he’s still a multi-millionaire and he has everything his heart could desire, but I feel for him simply because I abhor American media. Now, instead of the media saying we should admire him, they’re telling us to despise him. I see it this way – I despise the media, I despised Woods – two negatives make a positive, so hook me up on the Woods bandwagon!
Coincidentally, I have this weird, almost vague human impulse to feel sorry for a guy when his spirits have been crushed and he’s being bullied by someone (or something) bigger than him. That’s right – the media are a big flock of power-hungry, moronic bullies that will kick you in the juevos and steal your lunch money if you give them a reason to. The reason?
Well, grab a chair, relax, and let me tell you a little story:
Here’s this sports and media powerhouse, seemingly invincible and impeccable in every way. News breaks that he’s had sex with many women outside of his marriage. Since he’s famous, he obviously wants no privacy and he’s obviously not allowed to mess up. A big wave of camera and reporter feces comes hurling towards Tiger. The mass media, a massive unicorn (this is my analogy, dammit!) arrives that could either push him out of the way or let him drown in the inevitable sea of fecal matter, shame and a few peanuts. Mass media sees they can sell a lot of papers and get a lot of viewers if they can get an exclusive with this once integral, proud man covered in the feces of his personal life and paparazzi. Mass media turns as he is smacked full-on with the force of the crap. Mass media, for a moment, feels for him because they know all about dishing out crap. The moment passes and they gallop towards their defamation center in the sky. Mass media is angry because he couldn’t have gotten caught during sweeps week, so they ravage, batter and beat him like the bullies they are and run away to McDonald’s with his lunch money, laughing all the way. Ho ho ho!
Mass media is fat and happy – just like the people they’re feeding on a daily basis.
A year later, I’m happy to see that Tiger is slowly starting to slay the unicorn bully that is the media. It’s only fitting that Woods is returning to form after his divorce from Elin was finalized. Now he can finally focus on his game, put all of his mistakes and problems behind him, and resume doing what he does best… -Insert platitudinous, insipid Woods joke here-
Also, I wish for Tiger to kick copious amounts of golfing anus because it seems like the only way to truly let his past rest in peace. If he starts tearing up the courses again and winning enormous sums of money, logic tells me that people will learn to forgive and forget. Then again, logic also told me that what was happening last November was his personal business and the American media and citizens alike shouldn’t give a damn about the ordeal. Hey, logic isn’t always infallible!
Kick ass, Tiger. It’ll only be a matter of time before the capricious media is on your side again.