How to Avoid Falling Into The Loneliness-Hole

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Today I had the pleasure to attend another one of the regular tele-class-calls for the 6 figure coaching group I am a member of. Some of the things mentioned referred to a phenomenon I have experienced or heard others talk about in the past. Since there doesn’t seem to be a term for this phenomenon I could find, I invented one for it. I call it the Loneliness-Hole.

Let’s start at the beginning: I am still studying Otto Scharmer’s U-Theory and keep learning amazing things while gaining more and more clarity. I had planned to develop a new article about the parts I am currently studying. Maybe the universe observed me and brought what I was reading about and what I heard during the tele-class together to bring you today’s reflection.

Have you ever attended an event, participated in a class or course, bought yourself a guided home-study program and caught yourself not really achieving what you had hoped it would do for you? I have several times.

In most cases I enjoy the new people I get to encounter, the atmosphere focusing on the topic at hand for a few days. In case of regular classes or calls, I feel these scheduled events bring the mind back to a topic on a regular basis, although its’ harder to be in the subject over the phone than being in tune when I am physically present.

Regardless if the event has the purpose to sell something or really the goal to teach something new, it is almost always the start of a change process, not the end. It requires us to make a commitment to ourselves to use the positive vibe and energy we have when we leave and part ways with the group of like-minded people. During the drive or flight home we still feel this momentum and drive to move forward.

Some of us actually take action the next day trying to keep the flow going. Many have concentrated so hard on the topic for several days that they feel exhausted when they return into the known environment. It’s almost like a muscle ache after a marathon, so what do we do? (And I am no better than anybody else)

We take a break from the topic or subject. We might call it reflection, but for the most part, it is taking a break, relaxing our mind, as well as our body. A few days later, when we find the binders, books, brochures, CD’s, DVD’s, and receipts from our trip, we are reminded that we actually had made a promise to ourselves. We wanted to take action and apply the great system we had heard and learned about.

This is when the Loneliness-Hole is opening up. While we were at the event, all the other folks we had gotten to know were with us. They had good ideas, they told us what they would do when they came home, and they provided energy and momentum to us – where had they gone?

Often we try for some time to get going, but suddenly all the stuff we have and learned looks more like a mountain we need to climb. All the ideas we had are now countered with arguments why they might not work – and the energy we felt seems to have vanished.

Otto Scharmer talks about the power of Sensing. It is part of his theory. In a nutshell it looks and describes the process we go through when we calm down, focus on a topic or object, explore all its facets and aspects, and begin to understand its place, its function and how it fits into the bigger whole of the environment. Many scientists call this environment “The Field”.

What happens in the field is what will help anybody to get out of the Loneliness-Hole or avoid falling into the Loneliness-Hole in the first place. It requires the energizing of the heart to trigger a feeling. Like I described at the beginning, we know how it feels to by in synch with a group of likeminded people. We know how awesome it is to know that there is help, understanding, energy to spare, focus.

What we also find is that things seem to slow down. We can shed all the other things that seem to occupy our minds and our time normally. We can explore the details, and we can open up. This feeling is actually happening when we transition from thinking and sensing with our brain towards thinking and sensing with our heart.

We begin to resonate with the people around us. We see ourselves both as observers of the system as well as participants in it. We have all these ideas flowing out of us and the folks around us that seem unique, great, and helpful. We can really see and feel that the team/group and its innovations are greater than the sum of its parts. The experience is factual and emotional all at the same time.

That feeling is what we are missing when we fall into the Loneliness-Hole.

What can we do about it? You want to actually not only commit to steps, actions and change to yourself, but also to a group of people at the event or meeting, before it is over. Rather than trying to absorb the whole system, all the new ideas and opportunities, and execute them yourself, make a commitment to set up a regular event with a group of 5-7 people. This is similar to a master-mind group.

The best thing would be to have a facilitator who actually knows what the concept, content or area of interest of the event or meeting was. That way such a facilitator or coach can help you find your way back to the energy and emotions that gave you so much drive and readiness for action. We are actually working on introducing these kinds of group-coaching and facilitation groups as a services because the energy and creativity that comes out of them is very amazing.

If you don’t have anybody who can act as a facilitator or group coach, you want to establish a rotation in your group so that one person takes the lead for one month at a time facilitating the conference calls. Yes, you can do this over the phone or Skype/Internet messenger. You don’t have to be in the same place. The most important thing for such a group to be successful is to be able to bring the memories, feelings; goals and thoughts form the original event back into your mind and your heart.

If you practice this process, you will learn that you can begin to channel the field energy towards other things as well. One member of the group might go through and illness, a family member might have an accident and needs support to recover; someone might have to take a test or pass an exam. All these tings can benefit from the positive energy of thoughts that each group member can send to the affected person.

Learning how to find the energy, renew the emotions and good feelings, activate the field or keep it energized outside of the meetings and calls, is easier with a facilitator or a coach, but you can also do it yourself. Most importantly, setup the group and make the commitment while you are at the event, still in the training facility, during a project definition retreat, etc.

If you follow this process and make the commitment to the group, you will avoid ever again falling into the Loneliness-Hole.

That by itself is already a great improvement over most cases. The other great benefit of this process is the fact that you will actually get the full benefit of the event you attended and possibly spend considerable money on. And you will keep learning from the members of your group, bounce of some of your ideas, find solutions for things that didn’t work when you tried them, and most importantly, celebrate all the small and big wins you will encounter when you take action based on what you learned.

Let me know what your experiences are when applying this process to avoid falling into the Loneliness-Hole. In case you look for a group coach to facilitate a process like this or help you improve yourself, please let me know and we can develop fantastic groups to create both mind energy and heart energy.

Axel Meierhoefer is an experienced performance coach, author, educator, consultant, and the founder of Axel Meierhoefer Consulting LLC (AMC LLC). His motto is Helping others help themselves achieve success.