Watch Out! Kids Are Attacking!


Great Britain is under siege again. This time, however, the enemy is crueler than the German Luftwaffe. Nobody can feel safe, especially owners of outdoor swimming pools and lush gardens. With school over for summer, hordes of wild and bored teenagers roam the streets of London and other cities, remorselessly hunting down new victims.

The coastal city of Bournemouth became one of the first locations of the teenage invasion, nicknamed “dipping.” Even the local police, used to dealing with violent murderers, were flabbergasted at the withering effects of the operation. The officer who was first to arrive in the crime scene could hardly believe that it had all happened in less than one hour.

After a thorough investigation, detectives found a trace leading to Google Earth and Facebook. What seemed like innocent tools to communicate with friends became a lethal weapon in the hands of cunning teenagers. According to the police, Google Earth helped find victims while Facebook was used to muster as many perpetrators as possible.

Then, everything went unbelievably fast, making some older Britons exclaim that if they were as skilled as contemporary teenagers, the British Empire might have been saved. The police reported that some 16 juvenile delinquents had showed up at the address advertised on the Facebook. Armed with beer cans and hormones, they showed no remorse to the owner and his swimming pool.

The owner’s testimony was appalling. When he woke up early in the morning, he thought he was still dreaming. Beer cans and vodka bottles floated in his swimming pool; condoms and food were scattered on his beautifully manicured lawn. He said he had come back tired from work and fallen fast asleep, hardly realizing that his possession was soon to be desecrated.

Online comments unveiled by the police left no doubt: Kids loved “dipping.” The conservative Daily Telegraph came across one message that read: “You crazy lot and your crazy antiks (sic). Don’t think I can make it but maybe I can do it on my own in London.” It meant that the operation was not local in scale, but stretched across the entire country. God Save the Queen!

The Scotland Yard reacted immediately. “We are advising owners of swimming pools to be on their guard and extra vigilant,” one policeman told the Daily Telegraph. “We would also warn prospective swimmers that using someone else’s pool is trespassing and therefore illegal.” More patrol cars have been deployed to the streets, with bobbies looking more suspiciously at walking teenagers.

Police officers have been alarmed all over Europe as it seems that “dipping” has spread from the islands to the mainland. A married couple, vacationing in Spain, was terrified when they found out that her daughter’s 16th birthday party had attracted 400 teenagers. Apart from the damaged swimming pool, walls, and carpets, the parents lost jewelry worth over $12,000.

Today Great Britain and Spain; tomorrow the whole world?