With each new generation comes a new fad and a new chance to be trendy, hip and cool. Unfortunately, for those of us who enjoy keeping to ourselves and who don’t need to feel relevant by following some fad, we have to suffer through these disgusting and shameless cultural atrocities.
It’s hard to ignore them – they’re everywhere! Commercials on your TV, in your magazines, out on the streets, at work – you can’t escape it and you can’t control it. However, if you’re like me and like to vent from time to time, you can always tell the mass media and society how you feel with a good, old fashioned article.
I mean, we used to have awesome fads! Hula hoops, yo-yo’s, Pokemon cards, jacks, Pogs, pogo sticks – what happened? The things in this article happened.
I will now give my take on just some of the most recent puke-inducing, horrifying, degrading and bowel-loosening trends and fads plaguing this culture.
The Snuggie: What a creation – a blanket with sleeves! Tired of actually having to maneuver to get underneath the blanket while cutting back on your heating costs? Well, the Snuggie is right up your alley! Now you can look completely ridiculous and trendy at the same time. Now you have an extra step on Junior when he starts painting the cat’s butt or huffing paint thinner – no need to get untangled from your effective but dull blanket!
Rubber bands in random shapes: I know there are a lot of uses for rubber bands – leaving an unsightly red mark on a coworker, rolling up a newspaper or simply tying your long, trendy hippie hair back. However, you got fired because the coworker accused you of attempted murder so you can’t afford the morning paper anymore, nor can you afford haircuts. What purpose can rubber bands possibly serve now? SHAPES! Shapes that never lose form, no matter how many times you use them on items that make them retain the shape of what they’re holding while you ignore the fact that you can’t even tell what the damn thing is while in use. Lame and useless.
Shape-ups walking shoes: In a culture where exercise is considered straining to fart or lifting a fork to your mouth, shoe companies have the answer to your dilemma of laziness and self-indulgence – shoes that tone your keister and legs as you walk! Sure, you look like a moron, but just think of all of the vanity you can gain with a toned hiney! Why blow 100 clams on those Nikes you’ll never use at the gym when you can buy a pair of rocking shoes? Or, if you’re crafty enough, just glue some rocking chair legs to the bottoms of your existing shoes. Fitness ahoy!
Shake weights: I’ve read a lot of reviews telling me to stay away from this latest lazy fitness fad. It only works your upper body, its isometric contraction contraption is about as effective as squeezing your steering wheel in traffic, and most importantly – you look like a complete fool. Unless, of course, you’re used to that sort of motion… Then I guess you’d think quite highly of yourself. Only difference is, you’re not getting paid for it.
I kid, I kid.
Portmanteaus: Fashionista, frenemy, bromance, divalicious, a plethora of words tagged with the -icious suffix, chillax, staycation, funemployment, etc.
These puke-inducing combinations of words to describe cultural items obviously stems from the laziness of today’s language. It was bad enough when these trendy wordsmiths started shortening single words (vacation = “vacay”, delicious = “delish”). In the spirit of lazy language and lazy people, portmanteaus made a resurgence and we who enjoy language have to suffer. Some of the more depressing terms such as “funemployment” stem from our need to make the best out of a bad situation. Admirable, but it doesn’t change the fact that some corporate dillhole just terminated 300 jobs in your department. Do you think Moneybags is going to write “enjoy being funemployed!” on your pink slip? As far as I’m concerned, this fad needs to “craburn” and drown in a pool of “peepoo.”
To help the demise along, I am now going to engage in a series of these portmanteaus to last this world a good day or two: When engaging in a bromance on a man-date with a frenemy, it is often good to chillax on a staycation with said partner, especially if you’re currently funemployed and trying to be a recessionista. Avoid informing the blogosphere that you both wore guyliner from your sigother’s purse, or they may have to engage their gaydar on you. Perhaps you could enjoy brunch, or take jazzercise lessons. You can turn crisis into a crisitunity by looking for a good McJob, and if that gets too dramastic, you can always go to your local library and be edutained. If that fails, head to the entertainment rack to read up on your favorite celebutantes and couples, such as Brangelina, TomKat, Bennifer or LiLo. And if all else fails, you could always partake in sexercise with random women to drown your sorrows and contract herpegonosyphillaids.
There, that ought to hold us all for a while. Respect English.
Ripped jeans: This one angers me thoroughly. Who in their right mind would pay 70 bucks for ripped, acid washed jeans when I could get a perfectly good ripped pair off the rack at Goodwill for less than ten? There may be a few fecal stains, but I have money in my pocket at the end of the day, you trendy twit. Then again, if you’re paying that kind of cash for ripped pants, I doubt you’re too worried about your wallet. Besides, Mr. Fashionista – I can see your nads.
Sagging pants: The sun is shining and a light breeze comes over me from the west. I turn to look at a Burger King bag gently floating in the late summer’s breeze, when directly in my sight walks a hairy buttcrack with “Tommy Hilfiger” emblazoned on the horizon of this full moon. Nothing more needs to be said about this atrocious fad. Pull them up, you disgusting turd.
Giant sunglasses: Are we all preparing for the Earth to be pulled towards the Sun or something? Or are we expecting our egos to swell our heads so large that we’re preparing with ostentatious, massive sunglasses? I can’t figure this one out. You look like a tool – a bug-eyed, tasteless tool.
Trendy coffees: Since when did our coffees become milkshakes with whipped cream? If the consumers of these frappes and blended mocha drinks have digestive systems anything like mine in the morning, Pepto-Bismol and Charmin are grinning on their way to the bank.
Vampire movies, shows, etc: Gone are the days when vampires used to be intimidating, unsightly creatures. With the popularity of “Twilight” and “True Blood,” these blood-sucking cretins have taken form of sultry divas and handsome devils. Who knew a vampire was capable of loving a human being without having the urge to suck their blood at every chance they got? One thing I’ve always wondered about this human-vampire intermingling: What happens when the human is on a menstrual cycle? That must get kind of messy.
Like you’ve never thought of that? You just haven’t had the courage to mention it.
Another unfortunate result of the vampire craze is vampire cults. Yes, groups of nimrods who think they’re vampires and drink real blood and think they gain real empowerment from it. I know, they existed before Twilight, but they didn’t help extinguish these idiots at all.
Texting: Now, this one I dabble in from time to time. At the most, I send 20-30 text messages every month or so. I’m one of those morons who favors interpersonal communication over electronic communication if I can help it. When my next-door neighbor started texting me, I began to lose my desire for this mainstay in our culture. Then I started hearing about people texting and DRIVING. How logical – staring down at a keyboard while you have half-ton hunks of metal encompassing you at 70 MPH. You know, I’m shocked one of these mentally deficient people haven’t devised an automobile autopilot yet. I even have to worry about idiots running into me on the street because they have their noses buried in their touch screen cell phone that functions as a camera, a blender, a sewing machine and a spiritual device that spouts self-esteem boosting phrases while they realize just how invalid their lives have become. Cheer up Johnny, text message from Bobby: “i jus got sum frm ur ex… u mite wana go 2 da clinic soon!”
Then again, this texting does serve some kind of purpose – my neighbor was stuck on the toilet without paper yesterday. If not for texting, he’d have a raging case of hemorrhoids and have to shamefully get a toilet seat suctioned off of his backside!
There you have it, my culturally dampened friends. Is your favorite fad missing from my impeccable and inarguable list? That’s probably because I was too busy trying to figure out how to mold one of these crazy rubber bands into a penis shape. Don’t act like you haven’t tried to do it, and if it saddens you that you can’t, don’t worry – they’ll be available soon enough. In the meantime, send any egregious and blatant cultural defecations I may have missed, including hate mail and viruses to the e-mail address listed below.
Until next time!
P.S. Yes, I’m aware there are only eleven trends here. I’m starting my own trend – forgetting how to count in hopes my perceptive readers will tell me I need to learn how to count. Don’t question it, just do it!