The Unofficial Guide to Christmas

245

Tis the season to be merry…sort of. It’s Christmas season again! Another year of celebrating the birth of my Lord and savior, Jesus Christ ON THE WRONG DATE! Therefore, I’m not celebrating it. That means I don’t have to worry about the whole rush-you do though! But being something of a generous and loving guy, I’ve decided to supply you with a couple of golden balls of advice (no, not the ones you put on your tree silly)

1. Pretend

Even if you haven’t got anyone presents, say you have. It will save you getting hassled from your kids and it just might save your life (your wife may try to kill you if she finds out you didn’t get her any perfume)

2. Block your chimney

Let’s face it, it’s Christmas, loads of guys are going to be dressing up as Santa Claus. Many of them happen to be dirty old men and others pedos. They are neither a burglar so make sure you block your chimney. Or, set up a highly sensitive laser mesh like the one from Mission Impossible…let’s see how nimble Santa Claus is.

3. Don’t tell your children you promise anything

If Hollywood is guilty of anything, it is brainwashing kids into believing that during the Christmas season a promise is a promise and “mommy and daddy will go through hell and high water” to get the toy of their dreams. No. Parents do not promise to do anything, I don’t care if they threaten to poo themselves.

4. Don’t tell the bride

If you happen to be the unfortunate guy who is using his wedding money to buy Christmas presents. I’ll say this, if you cherish your life get that money back. If not? Buy a tombstone and a grave while you’re out shopping for presents.

5. Buy wellingtons

You’re laughing now but I’ll be laughing when it suddenly snows. You’ve slipped a disc and can’t buy presents you were meant to buy ages ago because you’re in the hospital.