‘Twas the night before New Year’s and all through that night,
I tossed in my bed, and I dreamed of our plight.
Donkeys were braying and pawing the ground,
While elephants shamefully made not a sound.
I woke in a sweat, and I turned on TV
To see if my nightmare was true, possibly.
Jon Stewart was frowning, not a good sign.
The world was a mess, and Bush had resigned.
You may not desire to hear the good news,
But liberals on both coasts weren’t singing the blues.
Below is an outline of stunning events
That shocked every one of the world’s parliaments.
1. George Bush resigned effective immediately, admitting that he personally knew that Saddam Hussein had no hidden weapons of mass destruction in Iraq before we invaded that country – just a few spare parts to make simple IED “bomblets” which patriotic Sunni insurgents and Baath loyalists could use in case of a prolonged occupation by a coalition of foreign troops. The reunified US Congress immediately declares peace in the world and another tax cut. All US troops overseas will be brought home ex post haste to rebuild New Orleans.
2. Osama bin Laden, shaken by the recent earthquake in Pakistan came in “out of the cold” confessing that the harsh life in the rugged mountains of Pakistan was not exactly how he wanted to spend his early retirement. His extended family in Saudi Arabia (and a liberated niece in New York) applauded his decision to end his monastic, fundamental Muslim way of life.
3. The Vatican rescinded their fatwa against homosexuals, and adopted the proposals of the more progressive North American Catholics. Not only would gay men be welcomed to the priesthood, but Lesbians also would be invited to become nuns as long as each devout homosexual agreed in writing not to aggressively approach others of the same sex, young or old, in the Catholic community. The sacred oath of individual celibacy was left unaltered.
4. Congress suddenly approved Judge Alito for the open seat on the Supreme Court. However, it is rumored that the new judge has promised those who voted for his confirmation that he would consult with Sandra Day O’Connor on any issues that might pertain to women’s rights.
5. A heinous plot was uncovered to burn down the rickety old building that houses Death Row at the San Quentin maximum security reformatory and penitentiary because the governor of California doesn’t want anymore clemency petitions to arrive at his desk in Sacramento during his remaining months in office. It has become obvious that reformation of convicted killers was not sought when the death penalty was reestablished by the cynical voters of California. The immigrant Governor was surprisingly unclear on the concept of reformation during the most recent clemency hearing.
6. Ariel Sharon has extended an olive branch to the native Palestinians who may want to raise olives in that Godforsaken desert. His new party called the “Sons of Abraham” is expected to recruit young Arabs for the arduous work of harvesting olives one by one and erecting the Great Wall of Israel around the whole country so that Muslim suicide bombers cannot easily enter that sacred land. Palestinians will receive equal pay for equal work, but no Israelis want those jobs.
7. Venezuelan president, Hugo Chaves, in another benevolent act to appease his North American brothers, has volunteered to build an oil pipeline under the Gulf of Mexico to New Orleans ostensibly to help strengthen the economy of that hurricane battered city. There is one catch, however. The US government must cede to him the small island off Florida called Cuba, once Castro relinquishes his bearded ghost. A hundred year lease for the pipeline may require some tough and lengthy negotiations with a group of rich American oil companies who are presently importing Venezuelan oil via privately owned ocean tankers.
8. Kim Jong-il, the emperor for life in control of North Korea, has made a magnanimous gesture to the leaders of the rest of the world promising to stop rattling his nuclear saber as long as the South Koreans agree to clone him, so that an equally just and humble ruler will be available to replace him whenever he passes on or is assassinated by the CIA.
9. The inscrutable leaders of China have reluctantly accepted the petition from the vociferous agitators in Hong Kong for a democracy as least as corrupt as the one we have in Washington. Under the new constitution being proposed for that former enclave, one man/one vote will be stipulated, and for starters adult women will be considered as two thirds of a person when the votes are counted.
10. Vladimir Putin, finding that an imported capitalism that relies on uneducated serf labor is not realizing his ambitious expectations, has asked the Russian Duma to reestablish Communism in some form in order to achieve a greater political and economic stability. To the cheers of many avid supporters, including some Chechens who remember the Soviet triumphs in space and in Afghanistan, Putin stated that dialectical materialism will be the wave of the future. He reminded his loyal followers that ever since the end of the Cold War, the on-going Soviet system of universal health care has extended the life-expectancy of the average serf in that huge, sprawling nation in spite of the steadily increasing daily consumption of cheap vodka.
We in the US should not be all that surprised, since materialism has been our triumphal way of life for decades in times of war and peace.
…and I woke up suddenly thinking, “Sometimes our prayers are answered!”