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Beware the Evil Thawing in Your Refrigerator!

By The Latter Day Iconoclast  

As one who has been known to write a word of satire from time to time, your Latter Day Iconoclast feels compelled to let you know that the following story is not satire. This actually happened.

Were you aware that the cooked bird you plan to assemble your family around for tomorrow's annual day of eating to the point of discomfort, laying around like hogs and watching football is part of Jihadist Plot to Kill Us All? WERE YOU?

In a column on The American Stinker... sorry, we sometimes make that mistake automatically but are too weary to backspace and correct it... The American Thinker, written by famed Islamophobe Pamela "Atlas" Geller, warns that Butterball - which puts a pretty tasty bird on the table if we don't mind saying so - is part of the Jihadist Plot to Behead Us All!

A citizen activist and reader of my website AtlasShrugs.com wrote to Butterball, one of the most popular producers of Thanksgiving turkeys in the United States, asking them if their turkeys were halal. Wendy Howze, a Butterball Consumer Response Representative, responded: "Our whole turkeys are certified halal."

In a little-known strike against freedom, yet again, we are being forced into consuming meat slaughtered by means of a torturous method: Islamic slaughter.

NO! SAY IT ISN'T SO! THAT PLUMP, DEAD BIRD IN OUR REFRIGERATOR? PART OF THE ISLAMIC PLOT TO PUT OUR WOMEN IN BURKAS?

Pamela Geller warned us! Oh, yes she did! Image by The Latter Day Iconoclast

Pamela Geller, friend of Israel that she is, would certainly have no objection to turkey killed by kosher methods, would she?

So then, gentle reader, the intelligent person has to ask one's self, what is the difference between meat slaughtered under halal (Muslim) tradition and kosher (Jewish) tradition?

The answer?

Well, let us examine Ms. Geller's objection to Halal meat and the way it is slaughtered.

Halal slaughter involves cutting the trachea, the esophagus, and the jugular vein, and letting the blood drain out while saying "Bismillah allahu akbar" - in the name of Allah the greatest. Many people refuse to eat it on religious grounds. Many Christians, Hindus or Sikhs and Jews find it offensive to eat meat slaughtered according to Islamic ritual (although observant Jews are less likely to be exposed to such meat, because they eat kosher).

Now, let us examine the Kosher method of slaughter, according to Rabbi Barry Dov Lerner.

In addition to being lifted up, a ritual slaughterer must move to the animal quickly, use a knife that is incredibly sharp and without even the slightest nick, and cut through the animal's trachea and esophagus in a single motion (at least one of these for fowl). All this is required in order to try to minimize the animal's suffering.

So... the main difference between the turkeys that Pamela Geller feels is being foisted upon you against your will and the turkey that she would gladly eat because it was slaughtered under kosher conditions is...

The Muslims say a prayer over the bird before they kill it.

And therein, my friends, lies the evil.

The bird, having heard the evil words of Islam, will absorb the evil into its pores in the instant before its death. Then, when you and Mom and Dad and Gramma and Uncle Farb sit down and carve the turkey, the evil escapes the meat, forms a miasma above the carcass where, disguised as the delicious smell of cooked turkey, you inhale it.

In other words, you are inhaling ISLAMIC JIHAD! No wonder there are so many Thanksgiving Day tragedies where families eat a Halal/Kosher prepared bird, then either slaughter each other or go out (in between the football games, of course) and blow up synagogues.

Now, knowing what we know about the difference between meat slaughtered under the Halal tradition and the Kosher tradition, and that most Jews will eat food prepared Halal because to them it's cleaner than non-kosher, what does this tell us about Pamela "Atlas" Geller?

A. She's an idiot.
B. Santa's gonna poop into her Christmas stocking.

Bill Schmalfeldt is the Latter Day Iconoclast. He keeps a weary, weathered eye on the right wing so you don't have to.