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UCLA Blows 800K in Stimulus Money on Penis Washing

By John Danz Jr

Everyone wants to know where all that stimulus money is going. People want it to better their communities. Some want it to satiate their needs for fast food and convenience within their cities and towns. Some want it for housing, security, shelters, insert altruistic cause here.

However, if you're UCLA, you want over 800 thousand of it to teach African men how to properly wash their respective twig 'n berries after sex. Crusty!

I'm just "itching" to read the details.

The National Institute of Mental Health spent $823,200 of economic stimulus cash in 2009 on a study by a UCLA research team to teach uncircumcised African men how to wash their genitals after doing the nasty - having sex.

This oh-so essential program is merely a microcosm within a bigger, $12 million study on how to effectively encourage Africans to undergo HIV testing. Only the weiner-washing part of the study received money.

Personally, I need clarification the minute I step into the shower when it comes to washing my cash and prizes. It's such a tedious process that requires careful planning, perception and a steady hand. I mean, it's not like you can just step into a shower and just scrub your penis just as any other part of your body!

In all seriousness, this is enraging and frustrating. I'm sure there are other examples of egregious wastes of all this stimulus money out there. For the one or two people rhetorically screaming "no, our government would never allow such tomfoolery with precious funds!" - there's a program at the University of North Carolina-Charlotte that received 750 grand to fund their "Dance Draw" project. Yup, it's exactly what it sounds like - hook up a computer mouse to your chest and draw virtual geometric shapes.

No wonder no one takes our government seriously! We have idiots out there wasting valuable government funds on programs teaching men how to scrub their johnsons and wannabe beatniks in North Carolina how to draw octagons with their chests.

Stimulating!

John Danz Jr. is a work in progress, who enjoys the freedom of writing. Contact him at undertakerlives@gmail.com.