Where Do I Go to Resign From The Human Race?

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Tell me, where is the office that handles these things? Whom do I see there? What form must I fill out? Is there a fee I must pay to process my petition? Is there a waiting period before my application will be approved? Is there any way I can shortcut the whole procedure? Are there experts who know about doing this, who can advise me (and you, if you'd like to accompany me) and who don't charge a pound of flesh?

Does my departure require the intervention of a lawyer, a court appearance, an exit visa, or a security clearance to move on? All I know about this process is that I am ready to resign my membership in the AARP as soon as possible and that I am very disappointed that I got involved here in the first place.

I hope "getting out" is easier than resigning from a cell phone contract or a physical fitness gym. I don't want to take much with me, but I suspect there might be a fine for removing myself like removing the tags on my mattress. Or a tax for exiting like you pay at every airport hidden in the price of an air ticket. Or a fee for using the closest Automatic Teller Machine for depositing and withdrawing money.

I just want to go, that's all. Keep it simple. This carnival ride wasn't fun. I only want to get on the next ride - the one that has that long line full of excited seniors and their spouses. Or get some sticky cotton candy and find the nearest rest room - not to rest, of course, but to wash my hands! Can't you help me? Do you think that the three ring circus in the next big tent is better than this one? I already saw the "freak show," only you don't call it that anymore, it isn't politically correct.

You aren't helping me very much, you know. If you aren't really interested in my problem, don't hang around. I'm used to that kind of treatment. Plumbers and electricians only cost $100 an hour, and what I need, neither a plumber nor an electrician can provide. Nor a drug dispensing psychiatrist! A sedative might help, but I don't have a prescription. And without my glasses I can't read about all the scary side-effects printed on the drug package. Besides, I'm not a lawyer, so I can't afford to sue the drug company should the side-effects kick in. Give me a break, please. Just point out the office where I can resign!

No, I don't need a long, drawn-out conversation with an emergency crisis manager. And don't call the paramedics, the Fire Dept., and the Police. This is not a suicide. I'm fine and totally in control of myself - finally. I am not dangerous to myself or others. Can't you see that I'm just asking for guidance to the local municipality that handles resignations? I'm tired of paying taxes for services I don't use and for roads that are crumbling in front of my house. I don't need all the sophisticated military weapons being developed to protect me, a war over oil with Muslims, a resolution to the Israel problem, and all the security forces being hired to search for terrorists at our airports. Not one has been found at the gate! Nor has the mailer of the anthrax-laced letters.

Life has gotten unnecessarily complicated, and there is no one telling us the truth. I found out long ago that I couldn't even trust my parents to tell me the truth about simple issues. And what did they know about electing the jokers who go to Washington to try to represent 300 million people. And those honorable judges who weigh justice with the thumbs of butchers!

Have faith! Yeah, right! Democracy is the best system there is for our society, and capitalism will help us feed and care for the teeming masses overflowing the borders of our poor neighbors. Who were they kidding? Some immature youngsters with no experience and an education laced with TV deception and propaganda. Long live the President of the U. S. and his rich cronies!

Patience, you say? Isn't 77 years enough of that? You know the axiom: "The more things change in society, the more they stay the same." So, what should I have told my kids? I spoon fed them the same gruel I ate as a kid and taught them the "facts of life" as I learned them when I was young and impressionable - and stupid, I realize now. That my kids didn't listen to me doesn't mean I didn't try hard to instruct them in the ways they should follow to avoid the dangers that are always just around the corner. How could I prepare them for the reality of "now," the attractiveness of the drug culture, the foolishness of their peers, and greed of the Wall Street traders and the "Captains of Industry?"

Don't try to talk me out of it. I plan to resign, if I can find out how to do that. You are just delaying my progress. No argument you can offer about how good we have it in the U. S. today can convince me that the world isn't disintegrating as we speak, that the average misery on this planet doesn't far outweigh the average happiness, and that our governments, by passing all those laws, aren't complicating everything we do. I don't believe that they are actually contributing to making our lives better, healthier, and more pleasant. It just ain't so!! Our politicians, the few times they are diligent, are merely trying to implement untested and unproven ideas that hopefully tranquilize the majority of us and keep the rest of us quiet for awhile. Few of them understand how the English Common Law of Unintended Consequences works.

Well, I'm out of here. Stick around if you like, but don't read the newspapers, listen to the radio, nor watch TV. The news will only discourage and demoralize you. When you retire, you will understand my frustration. The world will have passed you by, too. The younger generation will be wondering why you are still hanging around. And the government will be trying to determine what are they going to do with the growing number of unproductive senior citizens who are taking up space on the expressways and in the hospitals, residing in nice houses needed for the next generation, and eating fast food and drinking impure bottled water when there isn't enough of either for the undernourished (but productive) illegal immigrant workers.

No, please don't mess with my head. I'm convinced it's past time to resign. I don't need an honorary board position to support those left in charge. I am simply looking for a signed slip or something that says I've "passed" this semester's assignments and am qualified to enter the next level of schooling on the eternal path to enlightenment.

I must confess I haven't learned much of value should I have to repeat this experience. Still, I hope that by resigning, I will have one more opportunity to prove myself, even if I have to return to this planet as an unwanted pariah in India or despicable cockroach.

So long. You weren't much help, but thanks for listening. Good luck in surviving the 21st Century!

Chic Hollis lived on four continents, speaks seven languages and had five children, all of which helped him gain a unique perspective on life.