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What's So "Super" About the Super Bowl?

Satire by John Lillpop

Next to electing anti-American Marxists to positions of high power and authority, the greatest proof that America is in the midst of a massive cultural and social "dumb down" is the annual carnage known euphemistically as the Super Bowl.

Sold to a gullible public as an epic battle between two great sports titans, in truth this "event" is nothing more than another excuse for the unwashed masses to consume ungodly amounts of chips, burgers, and hot dogs, and to swallow enough beer and other forms of alcohol to solve California's drought problems for a decade or two, provided that reasonable rationing is enforced.

Think about the curious timing of this so-called spectacular: It happens in early February, which gives the masses enough time to recover from the legal, social, marital, and medical upheavals of the next greatest "drunk out" in American culture, that being New Year's Eve.

Moreover, by early February most, if not all, of the meaningless New Year "resolutions" will have been abandoned in favor of returning to the wretched excesses that stimulate Type 2 diabetics, heart disease, grotesque obesity, early dementia, incontinence, strokes and alcoholism.

Fancy heath care reform, Mr. President?

Then push Congress to outlaw professional football, especially the Super Bowl, and watch health care costs drop quicker than your approval ratings!

Then get to work on a jobs bill to assist unemployed beer truck drivers, DWI lawyers, endocrinologists, heart specialists and a few million others in the work force that thrive on America's addiction to debauchery and suicidal over-consumption.

Outlawing football would also eliminate reckless gambling, which costs football fanatics tens of billions of dollars each year.

We know that President Obama is obsessed with the evils of blowing money in Las Vegas, so this should be right up his meddling, nanny-state alley!

What about the needs of dedicated football fans, you ask?

Face it, this so-called sport is nothing more than controlled gang violence staged for the amusement of millions of spoiled brats who sit on their already elongated posteriors in front of plasma televisions for 10-12 hours every Sunday.

The charm of football is best seen in instant replays played in slow motion so that fans can see the spilling of blood and the actual breaking of human necks, arms, backs, and teeth, time and time again. Concussions are a fan favorite.

Bloodthirsty fans can even DVD-tape the carnage for later viewing at church functions, family reunions, weddings, and other occasions held to celebrate traditional American family values.

Heed this clarion call, Mr. President: Outlaw football in order to reform America's health care system in an intelligent, responsible fashion!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal, 'clean and sober' since 1992 when last he voted for a Democrat. Pray for John: He lives in the San Francisco Bay Area, where people like Nancy Pelosi are considered reasonable! Writing is his passion. He loves creating lively copy with irony and humor!