Seven Common Fears of Dying (and How to Address Them)

From Donna Authers, author of A Sacred Walk: Dispelling the Fear of Death and Caring for the Dying (A&A Publishing, 2008, ISBN: 0615245854)

1. The Fear: The Process of Dying

Will death be painful?

How will I get through this?

How to Dispel It

Make sure your loved one knows that he will experience little or no pain unless he chooses to. Pain management is a service that hospice facilities are especially strong in providing. Staff members are trained to interpret what patients need using verbal and nonverbal cues, and they will discuss the benefits and drawbacks of each option with patients and their families.

2. The Fear: Loss of Control

Must I give up independence?

Can I cope with being dependent on others?

How to Dispel It

Encourage your loved one to live a normal lifestyle for as long as possible--a life-threatening or terminal diagnosis does not change who the patient fundamentally is. When it becomes clear that the patient will need to accept care from others, arrange for her to meet and get to know her caregivers in advance, especially if medical professionals are involved. Becoming acquainted with them before accepting their services can alleviate discomfort and fear.

3. The Fear: Loss of Loved Ones

What is going to happen to them?

How will they manage without me?

How to Dispel It

Only the patient's loved ones can alleviate this fear. Be willing to frankly discuss with your loved one what will happen to everyone when he dies, and do everything you can to reassure him that you will be okay. If children or dependent adults are involved, help your loved one formulate a detailed plan for their future care.

4. The Fear: Others' Reactions

What if I see fear in the eyes of others?

How do I respond to differences in their nonverbal communication and body language?

How to Dispel It

It's natural to feel fear and sadness when faced with the loss of a loved one, but after the initial shock has worn off, try to behave normally. Remember, it's not about you. Make sure that all caregivers are getting enough sleep, exercise, and emotional support, since the strain of not receiving them is evident in both appearance and demeanor. Lastly, ensure that all caregivers and visitors are told in advance what to expect. This way, displays of shock or fear can be avoided.

5. The Fear: Isolation

What if my visits with healthcare professionals and friends decrease?

Will I die alone?

How to Dispel It

Quite simply, make sure that regular visits with close friends, family members, and other volunteers are scheduled, especially if medical appointments have decreased because a cure is no longer possible. If you don't live near your loved one or cannot commit to frequent visits for other reasons, consider taking advantage of hospice care or church ministries. End-of-life care from these establishments includes comprehensive pain management and dramatically increases quality of life.

6. The Fear: The Unknown

What can I expect?

Will there be life after death?

How to Dispel It

Everyone, even the greatest self-professed skeptic, wonders what will happen to them after they take their last breaths. Addressing this concern has physical, emotional, and spiritual implications. Even if your loved one is not "religious," consider asking a priest, rabbi, minister, pastor, etc. to speak with the patient. Outside resources such as these can present a gift of peace, regardless of past doubts and skepticism.

7. The Fear: That Life Will Have Been Meaningless

What did I accomplish during my life?

Did I have a positive impact on the world?

How to Dispel It

People who are leaving this world need to hear that they are valued and that they won't be forgotten. Don't miss the chance to tell the patient how much you love her, and remind her of all the good she brought to your life. Reassure her that her life had purpose and meaning, and encourage others to do the same, either in person or through cards and letters. Also, take time to go through photo albums, share memories, and absorb life lessons from your loved one.

* These seven fears originally appeared in Hospice: A Caring Community, a book by Theodore Koff II.

About the Author:

Donna Authers lived in fear of death from childhood well into her adult life, the result of an unusual number of tragic losses in her family. That fear was finally broken by her grandmother's faith, which marked the beginning of Donna's calling as a caregiver to others as they, or their loved ones, prepared to leave this world.

Donna has a passion for applying her natural caregiving skills to help bring hope and healing to hurting people. These skills have been honed through use and her leadership in Stephen Ministry and Community Bible Study. She is a gifted teacher and, as such, has trained and mentored many other volunteers to develop their own caregiving skills to serve others. Over the years, Donna has been regularly invited into the homes of many families learning to accept death and has accompanied them throughout the grieving process. She has worked closely with hospice organizations, counselors, social workers, and clergy, and has been an advocate for others dealing with the medical system and government agencies.

Donna graduated from the University of Pittsburgh. After meeting her husband, Roger, on a business trip to Paris in 1991, she retired in order to volunteer full-time, and has never looked back.

For more information, please visit www.asacredwalk.com.

About the Book:

A Sacred Walk: Dispelling the Fear of Death and Caring for the Dying (A&A Publishing, 2008, ISBN: 0615245854) is available at bookstores nationwide and from major online booksellers.

November is National Caregivers Month. If you would like a review copy of A Sacred Walk or an interview with Donna Authers, please contact Dottie DeHart, DeHart & Company Public Relations, at (828) 325-4966.