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Six Reasons Why Borba's Parenting Book Can Save Your Marriage

From Michele Borba, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries (Jossey-Bass/A Wiley Imprint, September 2009, ISBN: 0787988316).

If you're married with kids, you know that raising well-rounded, good children AND maintaining a happy, harmonious relationship with your spouse is a tall order, indeed. (Amazing how everyone's more interested in cooing over cute baby shower gifts than letting you in on that little fact, isn't it?)

Fear not. Parenting expert Dr. Michele Borba has written a book that can help you balance both sides of your (hectic, stressful, pulled-in-all-directions) family life. Call it a one-stop shop: it will help you keep your kids in line, and maybe even save your marriage, too!

It keeps you from getting sucked into the latest parenting trend. It seems like everything today is newer, better, faster: and then tomorrow it's replaced by the next trend. Same goes for parenting. We are constantly inundated with the latest and greatest in parenting advice: one day we're supposed to back off and give our kids space, the next day we're supposed to be hands-on. Not only is it impossible to keep up, it's even harder to tell what's best for you and your kids. All this confusion can cause some pretty big fireworks between you and your spouse. With so much information out there, who's to say which of you is right or wrong? Borba's advice: If you want to know what works and what doesn't, take a look at history. Just like anything else, you'll be able to see which tactics are successful simply by the ones that are still around.

"Parenting is not new, and neither are the problems that come along with it," asserts Borba. "The answers to your problems are out there; you just have to know where to find them. I saw more and more parents getting sucked into the latest trends when it came to dealing with their kids. As a result, there was a rise in parents' frustration levels with their efforts and with each other when those solutions didn't work and they had to start back at square one. This is why I felt writing this book was so important. I wanted to provide parents with solid advice based on the years of studies and research that are proven to be effective, and have all of that information in one place. A go-to guide, of sorts. Just remember, if the solution seems too good to be true, chances are it probably is, and it will be gone tomorrow. Be sure that you are turning to parenting advice that you can trust."

It's researched-based. We live in a society in which everything from modern medicine to household cleaning products tout their effectiveness based on the research studies and lab tests that prove it. Why should parenting be any different? When parents are using unreliable sources to get their answers, the results are typically less than satisfactory. This added increase in stress levels and frustration will just fan the flame of an already heated debate between parents who can't agree. This is why parents should go with the methods that are proven to garner results. The research is out there--and it's compelling. Over the past 50 years, studies have shown that specific tactics work best on the common problems that most parents experience with their kids. Borba based her book on such tactics, doing the research for you and providing solutions you and your spouse can trust.

"In the past decade, significant research has discovered proven ways by which parents can influence their children's emotional, social, and mental health," Borba says. "The best part is that these parenting solutions are surprisingly simple and, if used consistently, greatly increase the odds that kids will be healthier, happier, and even more resilient. The confidence that using a research-based method instills in parents encourages them to stick with it, even when the results aren't immediate. And it can also help to squelch any debates over whose method is right or wrong. The numbers don't lie, so they can rest assured that their hard work will pay off in the long run."

It can serve as a neutral third party. When you're tempted to pick up the phone and call your own mother to referee a parenting disagreement, pick up Borba's book instead. Grandma may be great at baking cookies, but she's more likely to be an ally for you than a level-headed advisor. That won't help matters. Forming a cohesive parenting unit is crucial to your children's success and to your marriage, and sometimes it takes bringing in an outsider to help both sides get some perspective--not a strong-opinioned family member who's going to fuel the fire rather than help extinguish the flames.

"We learn parenting from our own parents," Borba points out. "So if you and your spouse disagree on an issue regarding your child, chances are your mother and his mother will disagree, too. You'll be back to square one and there will probably be a new layer to the bickering: 'Your mother ALWAYS interferes!' You really, really need an objective outsider to whom you can turn, and that's why I wrote this book. Having a reference on hand that is based on years of time-tested research can be a great peace-maker, and also a way for parents to negotiate solutions that they can both agree on."

It's a quick read (Good news for overscheduled parents!). Nobody is busier than parents are. Between full-time jobs, busy school schedules, soccer practice, and dinner time, there just aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done. Needless to say, sitting down to read a parenting book cover to cover just isn't feasible. What parent has the time or the energy at the end of a long, stressful day to pore over the pages of a parenting manual? Enter Borba's new book: a cookbook-style manual with recipes for success that are easy to read and that give you all the ingredients you need for solving your specific parenting problems.

"Parents don't have time to do hours of research on their own," explains Borba, "If they have to wade through pages of information or commit to reading a book cover to cover, they will either give up on looking for answers or turn to a less reliable source. And when parents are embroiled in an argument, it's not feasible to take a week-long hiatus to read a book in order to find the solution that's right for their problem. However, if you can flip right to the chapter that focuses on the answers needed, and if you can find those answers laid out in a clear, easy-to-read manner, you're going to have a valuable resource you can turn to time and again."

It gives you more than just a solution. Kids love to ask "Why?" Parents do, too--or at least we should. When your child has a problem, your natural instinct is to fix it--to find a solution and make it better. But in your haste to solve the problem, don't forget to ask yourself why it might be happening in the first place. Simply shaking off a behavioral issue as kids "just being kids" will do your own offspring a great disservice. And the more you put off taking care of bad behavior, the greater the risk of causing an ongoing spat with your partner. By getting to the root of the problem you can begin to truly fix it--and ensure that the results are both effective AND long-lasting.

"Taking your child's problem at face value rather than delving into the reasons it's happening is a mistake," cautions Borba. "It's treating the symptoms instead of the disease--the problem will just pop up again later, perhaps in a different form. Whether your child is a whiner, a picky eater, or even a consummate worrier, understanding why he is that way can give you valuable insight into what may work for him moving forward. And when parents are able to successfully navigate problems together, it strengthens their bond and encourages their future team efforts."

It tells you when its time to consult a professional. As a parent, it's natural to want to make all of your child's boo-boos go away. But sometimes a child's problem may be bigger than her parents' ability to solve it. Borba's book helps you determine what is "normal" kid behavior and what requires the guidance of a professional. For every problem she addresses, she lists the warning signs that indicate the need to seek outside help.

"Parents tend to feel a sense of failure when they try and try, yet can't 'fix' their child's problem," she notes. "And when one parent wants to seek professional help and the other one doesn't, it can cause major friction in a marriage. What I want all parents to understand is that getting help from an outside source isn't giving up at all. It's an act of love to get your child the help he needs. And it's the very definition of great parenting."

About the Author:

The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers to Your Everyday Challenges and Wildest Worries (Jossey-Bass/A Wiley Imprint, September 2009, ISBN: 0787988316) is available at bookstores nationwide and from major online booksellers.