Top Ten New Gigs For Sarah Palin

Satire By Robert Paul Reyes

"After staying out of the public eye for most of Saturday, a day after abruptly announcing she would soon give up her job as governor, Palin indicated on a social networking site that she would take on a larger, national role, citing a 'higher calling' to unite the country along conservative lines." http://www.dgshi.cn/content/200907/05607.html

I am still shell- shocked by Sarah Palin's sudden and unexpected resignation from her job as governor of the great state of Alaska. I wouldn't venture a guess as to what prompted the controversial diva to quit, but I will offer a few suggestions as to what her "higher calling" will be.

PORN STAR

Maybe Sarah Palin is finally ready to accept the $1 million dollar offer from a porn company to star in an adult video. Palin spits out a newborn with alarming regularity. Palin is familiar with the mechanics of sexual intercourse, and would be a natural for the adult movie business.

LETTER-TURNER ON THE WHEEL OF FORTUNE

I never watch the broadcast networks, and I have no idea if "The Wheel of Fortune" is still on the air. Vanna White must be about 80-years-old, and too feeble to turn over the letters. Sarah Palin should replace Vanna -- this gig wouldn't tax Palin's intellectual capacity.

WAL-MART GREETER

I know that the average Wal-Mart greeter is older than dirt, but this would be the ideal occupation for Palin. At Wal-Mart she would keep in touch with her natural constituency: Conservative blue-collar Americans who don't mind buying HD TV's made in sweat shops in commie China.

TELEVANGELIST

Palin would be an Aimee Semple McPherson with the sex appeal of a movie star. I have never given a dime to a TV preacher, but if Palin winks while she's preaching the good Word, I will empty out my pockets for her.

TV PITCHMAN

With the recent death of Billy Mays, there is a void in the world of TV hucksters that is begging to be filled. Palin doesn't have Mays' weird black beard, but she has the lungs and the... (well you know.)

TV TALK SHOW HOST

Oprah Winfrey is the Queen of daytime talk, but Palin would give her a real run for the money. Oprah's audience is 99.99 percent female. (the other .01 percent are male homosexuals.) Palin would broaden Oprah's demographics -- here's one dude who would watch sexy Palin talk about anything.

SURROGATE MOTHER

Pallin loves to spit out those damn babies, why not get paid for it?

COUNTRY SINGER

I don't know if Palin can sing, but I don't think it really matters -- just look at Britney Spears. Palin's life is like a country song, why not become a country singer? Country music fans are 100% conservatives, they would feel obligated to buy all of Palin's CDs.

WWE WRESTLER

Palin is so over-the-top that she would make an excellent wrestler. I can imagine Palin entering the ring cracking a whip and munching on a Moose sandwich.

AMBASSADOR TO IRAN

The first time she winked at an Ayatollah, she would be thrown in prison and we would never hear from her again.

Robert Paul Reyes is a NewsBlaze writer on Politics, Pop Culture and Pointless Pontificating. Contact him by writing to NewsBlaze.