According to Janet Napolitano, You Are a "Right Wing Extremist" If You---

Satire By John Lillpop

A recently unclassified government report warns against the possibility of violence by "right-wing extremists." According to unnamed sources close to Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano, you are a right wing extremist if you--

* Were born in the Deep South

* Believe that 9/11 was more serious than Watergate

* Wear an American flag in your lapel

* Knowingly listen to Rush Limbaugh

* Speak and write perfect English, but no Spanish

* Own more than two Bibles or one Confederate Flag

* Believe that Jesus Christ means eternal life

* Support the rule of law and maintenance of law and order

* Want America's borders secured

* Believe that Mexico is a foreign nation and Spanish a foreign language

* Thank God that the U.S. won both world wars

* Oppose affirmative action, abortion, same-sex marriage, and gun control

* Believe that fighting higher taxes is more patriotic than paying them

* Prefer "Patriot's Tea" to Obama Kool-aid

* Doubt that Islam is really a "Religion of Peace"

* Believe that a baby Jew born to a virgin 2009 years ago saved mankind from sin

* Send out Christmas cards

* Attend a Christian church on occasions other than Christmas and Easter.

* Sing the National Anthem with your hand over your heart

* Fly Old Glory on Flag Day and Independence Day

* Believe that preventing voter fraud is more important than empowering illegal aliens, felons, and the deceased with the vote

* Own a gun and ammunition.

* Favor the death penalty for brutal killers, but oppose abortion of innocent fetuses

* Miss WF Buckley, Ronald Reagan, and Richard Nixon

* Have read the Declaration of Independence, Bill of Rights, and U.S. Constitution more than once

* Believe that labor unions should be subjected to anti-trust laws.

* Have never committed adultery or had gay sex

* Drive a car built by an American car company in America

* Dispute the belief that the economic meltdown was worth it in order to open home ownership to more people of color

* Believe that the U.S. should spend more money on national defense than on foreign aid

* Suspect that Nancy Pelosi is dumber than a pound of recycled botox

* Mourn the 50 million fetuses that have been slaughtered since the Roe V. Wade ruling

* Pay a tithe or make a donation to any organized religion

* Are successful and prosperous and flagrantly show it

* Have never applied for food stamps or welfare

* Read the Wall Street Journal, George Will, Pat Buchanan, and Ann Coulter

* Watch FOX News

* Dislike Fidel Castro, Hugo Chavez and other communist dictators

* Know the words to "God Bless America" by heart

* Argue that global warming is little more than hot air circulated by liberals for "green" profit

* Want the UN out of America and America out of the UN

As it turns out, being a right wing extremist is exactly where most Americans should be, despite Janet Napolitano and the other pinko commies in Washington.