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Lindsay Lohan and Billy Mays Should Hook Up

By Robert Paul Reyes

"Reports are emerging suggesting that Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have split up after a series of arguments and frenzied punch-attacks on New Year's Day.

Whether Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson really have split up remains to be seen, but we hope so. That'd mean that Lindsay Lohan has now exhausted her supply of both men and women, and we'd be keen to see who she tries to have sex with next. Our guess? A bookish owl." Stuart Heritage/Hecklerspray.com

Heritage is not exaggerating when he claims that Lohan has exhausted her supply of men, the pop tart can't enter a nightclub in the world without bumping into a poseur or trendy that she's known in the Biblical way. I hope God doesn't smite me with an STD for using the words "biblical" and "Lohan" in the same sentence.

But it's a slight exaggeration to say that Lohan has exhausted her supply of women, as far as we know Ronson is the only female she's bedded. And a convincing case could be made that Ronson isn't a 31-year-old female, but a 14-year old boy with a penchant for freckle-faced ho's.

Assuming that Lohan and Ronson have had their last catfight, what's next for the former actress and wannabe singer? I hope it's not someone from the animal kingdom, a bookish owl wouldn't survive one night with Lohan.

I think that Billy Mays, the yelling pitchman for OxyClean and a hundred other products, would be the perfect lover for Lindsay Lohan. Recovering addicts need tough love and Mays wouldn't hesitate to get two inches from Lohan's face and yell at her: NO YOU SKANK, YOU AREN'T GOING TO DA CLUB. YOU'RE STAYING HOME, AND WATCH MY INFOMERCIALS WITH ME.

Lohan likes kink and you can't get any kinkier than Mays wide-open eyes and dyed beard; they would make a perfect match. Lohan needs to kick Ronson to the curb, and hook up with Billy Mays!

Robert Paul Reyes is a NewsBlaze writer on Politics, Pop Culture and Pointless Pontificating. Contact him by writing to NewsBlaze.

Robert Reyes