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Obama Shares His Weight Control Secret With Oprah

Satire By John Lillpop

Once again, Oprah Winfrey has ballooned to the size of the Goodyear Blimp while preaching to 20 million out of touch women every day, most of whom are unemployed welfare queens who treat Oprah's every word as if it were ordained by God, Himself.

Writing in the January edition of "O" magazine, O as in OBESE!, Oprah resorts to the typical excuse proffered by chunky housewives who blame all of that ugly fat on an out-of-balance thyroid, a miserable childhood, the George W. Bush presidency, and a newly minted "fear of working out."

According to the guru of prime time fat, she has gained 40 pounds since 2006, when she weighed 160. That leaves her lumbering around at 200 pounds and damn near as unsightly as Al Gore.

Her addiction to Snickers bars and introspective psychobabble lead Oprah to say, "I look at my thinner self and think, `How did I let this happen again?'" "I'm embarrassed," she says. "I'm mad at myself."

How did it happen?

Remember all of those eating frenzies that you enjoyed while pushing the Barack Obama candidacy all across America?

Remember the non-stop gorging with stuffed pizzas, ice cream, whipped cream, melted chocolate, fudge, apple pie, chips of all types and sizes, candies from every nation in the world, and every other delectable goody that you have rammed now your throat since November 4 to celebrate the election of your razor-thin brother to the White House?

Might your 15,000-calorie a day diet have something to do with your out of control girth?

That and your insane "fear of working out" would stuff a damn elephant!

Still, Barack Obama is a perfect role model for those who wish to control their weight and demonstrate perfect self-control.

Why not give Obama's weight management plan a try?

Namely, smoke and inhale two packs of unfiltered Pall Mall cigarettes every day and just watch those pounds melt away!