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The Montauk Monster and Not Barack Obama is The Real Messiah

By Robert Paul Reyes

America seems to be falling apart, we can barely keep our heads above water. There's little need for me to recite the litany of woes facing us: Mortgage crisis, high energy costs, inflation, endless and meaningless Iraq war...

In desperate times people look to the heavens for salvation. We are yearning for a Messiah, and many see him in the articulate, handsome, intelligent and charismatic Barack Obama.

But could it be that the real Messiah doesn't wear a designer suit, but in fact washed up on a beach butt naked?

I'm not ready to anoint Obama as the Messiah, how can a guy with pearly white teeth, perfect diction and an expensive wardrobe empathize with the great unwashed?

I'm convinced that the Montauk Monster is the real Messiah, a monster with a mug that only a Mom would love can sympathize with a shlob like me who has trouble getting dates.

We are familiar with Obama's biracial background, but we don't even know if the Montauk Monster had a mother. Perhaps he is an cloned alien who doesn't have a mother, like Jesus Christ?

We have photographic evidence that the Montauk Monster died, but his body has disappeared. You can't rule out that he has been resurrected and is waiting for the right time to save the world.

The Montauk Monster's corpse wasn't bloated due to the gnarly death process, it was bursting with love for humanity.

We love you Montauk Monster, we are awaiting your return.

Robert Paul Reyes is a NewsBlaze writer on Politics, Pop Culture and Pointless Pontificating. Contact him by writing to NewsBlaze.