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Op-Ed Contributor
Top 10 Guesses: How Did The Montauk Monster Die?
By Robert Paul Reyes
Unless there's an earth shattering new development in the Montauk Monster saga this is my last article on the subject.
Enjoy!
*Dude, Two Words: Taco Bell Chalupa
*The Montauk Monster was chillin' on the beach, and Oprah Winfrey sashayed by clad in a string bikini. The poor monster's ticker stopped cold.
*The Loch Ness Monster did the Joker's Disappearing Pencil Trick on him.
*He was heartbroken that John McCain wasn't considered the Father of all Living Things.
*The Montauk Monster died watching "An Inconvenient Truth." He's an alien and wasn't concerned about the Earth's impending doom, but he couldn't continue living after seeing Al Gore's androgynous appearance.
*He was harpooned while sunbathing, some clown thought he was Rosie O'Donnell.
*After two months of Sweating to the Oldies he died of frustration because he failed to obtain perfectly waxed legs like Richard Simmons.
*Televangelist Jimmy Swaggart shot him to death because the monster turned down his sexual advances.
*He died of shame when Whoopie Goldberg claimed he was one of the 50 lovers she's slept with.
*Dennis Kucinich killed the beast when he tried to do a Vulcan Mind Melt with him.
Robert Paul Reyes is a NewsBlaze writer on Politics, Pop Culture and Pointless Pontificating. Contact him by writing to NewsBlaze.
See More:
The Montauk Monster: Publicity Stunt, Alien or Experiment Gone Wrong?
Update: Is The Montauk Monster a Raccoon?
Top 10 Reasons Why Corpse of The Montauk Monster is Missing
Tags: montauk monster, robert paul reyes
* The views of Opinion writers do not necessarily reflect the views of NewsBlaze
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