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Op-Ed Contributor
Top 10 Reasons Why America Loves The Montauk Monster
By Robert Paul Reyes
*He doesn't put on any airs. He is what he is: An ungodly mass of putrefying flesh.
*He's all things to all men. He's a dog, a raccoon, a turtle who's lost his shell, an alien, a Messiah figure, a government DNA-experiment gone horribly wrong.
*He's dead. We always speak well of the recently departed, even if it's a bloated ugly creature.
*He's a mystery, we can fill in the blanks. I see him as an alien who came here to save the world, but was killed instantly when he spied Britney Spears flashing her vagina.
*He has an air of integrity; I can't imagine him shilling for Viagra.
*His moniker "The Montauk Monster" has a nice ring to it. Montauk is an excusive municipality with the same cachet as Beverly Hills. If the monster had washed ashore on the Jersey shore, he would be a nobody.
*He has a Google-friendly name. It's easy to find out the latest about our favorite monster.
*He's an American for God's sake. The dollar may be worthless, our president may be a sick joke, but we have the coolest kick-a** monster in the world.
*He gives us something interesting to talk about at work. Americans were sick and tired discussing the price of gas and Madonna's veiny hands -- it's great to have something cool to chat about.
*He's not Dick Cheney
Robert Paul Reyes is a NewsBlaze writer on Politics, Pop Culture and Pointless Pontificating. Contact him by writing to NewsBlaze.
See More Montauk Monster Stories:
The Montauk Monster: Publicity Stunt, Alien or Experiment Gone Wrong?
Update: Is The Montauk Monster a Raccoon?
Top 10 Reasons Why Corpse of The Montauk Monster is Missing
Image of Montauk Monster Appears on Toast, for Sale on Ebay
Tags: montauk monster, britney spears, dick cheney, robert paul reyes
* The views of Opinion writers do not necessarily reflect the views of NewsBlaze
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