Even With a Man as First Spouse, Men Are Different

By Martha Rosenberg

With a good chance a man will be the next first spouse, decorating the White House Christmas tree and presiding over the national Easter Egg Hunt, a lot of people are starting to think men and women are equal. But the truth is-men are very different.

For example, why do men try to vacuum pennies? Is it some kind of a game? An experiment? Do they think it saves labor? Don't they realize if they actually succeed, the vacuum will rattle, smoke, and have a heart attack? (Maybe that's why they do it!) And, that the vacuum, as they say, is "not a toy"?

Why do men put empty ice trays in the freezer? Hasn't anyone ever told them where ice comes from? Why are they proud of themselves for returning "something to where they got it"? What about the other lesson they learned at age six: "If you use it, replace it"?

Why do men give women tools on their birthday? Specifically the tool they want? Am I the only woman who has received drill bits for Christmas or a seed tiller? Do I give my husband new linens for his birthday? A coffee maker? A yoga mat?

Why do men love La-Z-Boys? Don't they realize when company comes over, they are less than dignified-even if upright? Can't they learn to get cozy-or pretend to-on a futon? They could still hold the remote control.

Why do men who've never held a Handi-Wipe in their life, become virtual sanitation engineers when it comes to their car? "Don't touch the windows," "Don't step on the mats," "Don't eat that in here"-all from a man who secretly drinks directly from the milk bottle. (If nothing else, it proves they do know how to clean regardless of what they say.) And why do they hear a veritable video game room under their hood when they can't hear the dog whining to go out?

Why do they ignore the gas gauge when it's on empty in pursuit of cheaper gas or just for the thrill of it? Why do they not learn from their experience when this little game results in running out?

Why do men walk over spills on the carpet or floor but spend a whole Saturday afternoon extirpating brown spots on the lawn?

Why do men keep using a dish rag after it's fallen on the floor? Or fail to give the dog drinking water because "he still has water from yesterday"? Don't they know the germ theory has been proven? Even if germs can't be seen or smelled?

Speaking of which-why do men have no sense of smell? Why do they compliment nail polish remover as perfume and think a grease fire is dinner on the stove? Why do they leave wet clothes in a gym bag for three days and only discover them because they want to wear them again? (And, from an evolutionary viewpoint, is their lack of smell why they can't clean and because they can't clean?)

Why can't men learn the names and colors of female clothing? When they suggest you wear your red dress they might mean your pink skirt. Or your purple hoodie. (They know the word "dress" from dress pants and shoes). And speaking of shoes, why do men think women's feet are the same size as theirs? Am I the only woman who's received slippers the size of snow shoes for my birthday? (And please-no jokes about our feet are smaller so we can get closer to the kitchen sink.)

Why do men perceive any change we make to our appearance above the shoulders-a new hair color, hair style, glasses, earrings-as, "hey you got a haircut?"

Why do men think telling a woman she looks beautiful by candlelight-with her new haircut and purple hoodie-is a compliment?

Why do men hate shopping except at hardware stores? Why do they hate it so much they will actually override their other hatred and ask directions-how to get out of the store?

Of course once in the parking lot they have no trouble finding their car; it's the one with the sparkling windows.

Martha Rosenberg is Staff Cartoonist, Evanston Roundtable