NEWS

WIRES

OTHER

Islamic Heaven Alert: Demand for Virgins Exceeds Supply!

By John W. Lillpop

Satire

Adnan el-Shukrijumah, al-Qaeda field commander in Afghanistan, is reportedly warning Muslims to leave the United States because another major terrorist attack is in the works. [Canada Free Press

As one who is fascinated by Islam, I admit to being confused by Adnan el-Shukrijumah's warning. On the one hand, I appreciate the fact that the man is kind enough to warn brothers in the Islamofascist movement of impending doom so that steps can be taken to avoid annihilation.

On the other hand, one of the more appealing aspects of Islam is the promise of 72 virgins commencing with one's earthly demise and ascension into Islamic heaven.

If that promise is legitimate, why would Adnan el-Shukrijumah "warn" the brothers to avoid being martyred?

It would seem to make better Muslim sense for Adnan el-Shukrijumah to keep that information under his turban. That way, Muslim brothers fortunate enough to be caught up in the next attack could cash in on those carnal blessings promised in the Koran.

Perhaps there is another answer: Is there a shortfall of virgins in Islamic heaven?

Could it be that G.W. Bush and his dwindling coalition of willing infidels have created a virgin supply-demand imbalance by killing so many terrorists?

An imbalance that is threatening to shut down the Virgin Redemption Center (VRC) in Islamic heaven?

What a pity that would be. All those horny Islamofascists robbed of their greatest incentive to murder and maim!

John Lillpop is a recovering liberal.

Editor's note: The word huri, usually interpreted by generations of Qur'an readers as wide-eyed virgins (who will serve the faithful in Paradise; Qur'an 44:54, 52:20 ,55:72, 56:22) may mean white grapes. This interpretation is based on the premise that it was written in Syro-Aramaic, but scholars are divided on the theory. Many Christian descriptions of Paradise describe it as abounding in pure white grapes. If true, this interpretation means suicide bombers would be expecting beautiful women and getting grapes. [ see wikipedia ]