Hannah Montana Gets Knacky!

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I’m lobbin’ myself a softball this morning, bein’ easy on myself, for this is the very first review ever written on Miley Cyrus’ Can’t Be Tamed, her coming of age video. A kinetically charged Miley, with gobs of beaucoup blue eyeliner, sheds her Hannah Montana skin to the side of the road, and switches out for Goliath bird feathers and Thriller dance moves.

Miley Cyrus with corset
Miley with a $25,000 metallic corset. Is she attempting to out GAGA The Lady herself? Has she mutated from a Disney pixie to a sultry Diva in the winkof-an-eye? Photo by John Kays.

The video begins with wealthy patrons gawking at a bird cage with an oddity out of P.T.Barnum’s catalogue of freaks. The M.C. barks out kudos, “Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Aves Cyrus!” It’s a mockery of wholesomeness, the Disney persona of Hannah Montana vanishes in the sunset; Miley is held down, caged by a false persona, smoking mirrors of perception, she spreads her wings and blows the cage. Born anew on the wings of change!

The song itself, written by Tim James and Antoniva Armato, is apt, but maybe not as perky as It’s A Party in the USA, I positively postulate. It’s custom penned for Miss Cyrus nonetheless. “Every guy, everywhere just gives me mad attention, like I’m under inspection. I always gets a ten, ‘cuz I’m built like that.” In my book that would make her a Bo Derek for Generation Z!

Let me clue you in here, I’ve been studying the lyrics most meticulously; there are misty tidbits of bird imagery intermingled with a driving theme. Am I flashin’ or is this not a mixed metaphor? “I wanna fly, I wanna drive, I wanna go.” Can a bird-woman (girl) drive a motor car? Probably, in the next Batman redeaux flick. Speaking of Batman, Miley reminded me of Batman going rogue in The Dark Knight. Did ya catch that analogy?

Most revealing of all, was a line that seems to cross the line over to the ‘Dark Side.’ “I’m like a puzzle but all of my pieces are jagged, if you understand this, we can make some magic, I’m wrong like that.” Correct me if I’m wrong, but this means if you will accept my quirks, my idiosyncrasies, we can have a real good time, in the sense of a frivolous liaison of romantic abandonment an’ whooptie do!

The ‘jagged pieces’ are the goin’ rogue side of Hannah, an undercurrent emerging that clouds an older image of yesteryear. Nothin’ new, all kids grow up to be adults, but the road can be rocky (a Rockie Road) for Child Stars, who may experience trouble, if their fame fades away, becomes a mirage, a distant memory.

Think Sunset Boulevard, and Corey Haims comes to mind from recent tribulation; naturally, Judy Garland, who followed a ‘yellow brick road’ of prescription drugs and alcoholism, stumbles her way on bumpy career stones. Goes down the tubes. Not that Miley particularly emulates this type of tragic outcome, but I can not see into a crystal ball.

I digress! Yet the video itself hatches digression. I listened to the song while I was makin’ jojo and sacrificed glancing over at my Dell computer monitor for a millisecond. I enjoyed the song more without the snarly nests, feathers, cages and bird-look-alike extras swirling and gyrating ’round Miss Miley as she Gets Her Ya Yas Out ’til the Cows Come Home. And then some. Such sweet banalities whistle their whimsical whimpers of wistfulness in a whippoorwill of winds.

Bird imagery ruffles my feathers. Am clueless why, but it’s not sexy for me. That goes for gators, hippopotami, elephants, skunks, giraffes, orangutans, killer-whales or wild horses too. Don’t turn me on. Nonetheless, zebras are not too bad. “But it still looks like a horse in striped pajamas to me. Hey there mister can’t you see, that’s a horse in striped pajamas! No that’s not what it is at all.”

*(Like to see Miley do this one instead.) Moreover, I’m not much of a bird watcher either. The subject of ornithology was gravely avoided when in my college days, but I love dinosaur studies and Pterodactyls are an A+ for this here dude. Yet Miley shies away from Pterodactyls?

I digress otra vez! Am I an airhead, or is the Can’t Be Tamed video transforming, what once was a huge genius, into a Chinese tortured, pebble dropping numbskull of an Airhead, out to lunch with the boys-in-white takin’ me away to safely kept secrets of state facilities for disturbed individuals who need separation from societal complacency. Flow of words don’t simulate flow of thoughts? Just tryin’ out this Cafe Bustelo, and I’m flyin’ through the air myself with Miss Hannah Montana right beside me as I type franically!

Seriously folks, this is a great video, and a very peppy song; just tryin’ to upstage Miley with peppered sound-bites; if she’s gettin’6 million hits, I deserve at least a million! More lines from the song: “I’m not a fake, It’s set in my DNA. Don’t change me. I can’t be tamed.” I’m literally bustin’ off of my computer stool; I’m Peter Pan on the internet flyin’ to your laptop, iphone or Blackberry, oh yea, I forgot ipads.

Problem lies with her INCONGRUITY OF IMAGE, as it passes through time. As an example, and in contrast, Lady Gaga has stayed most consistent in her projected image, in song and her visual countenance, which may be contrived, but is done with originality, boldness and savoir fare. You can tell I dig The Lady. Perhaps Miley is attempting to mirror Gaga here, with her seductive metallic corset? She can’t pull it off. She’s a COPY CAT, but can’t be blamed!

It’s hard to back peddle, once you have created a set-in-stone image. This is a tragic flaw of all child-stars. Shirley Temple was forever a darling doll with curly locks, Judy was Dorothy chasing Toto down the Yellow Brick Road, Jerry Mathers was sweet Beaver Cleaver saying dumb stuff to Tony Dow, his brother Wally in a perfect family sitcom for the late 1950s. But Jerry and Tony were cooked for life afterwards, in terms of ever getting a serious acting role.

The choice of metaphor for a pretty good tune, a caged bird-girl wanting to bust out of captivity, was ill-conceived. That’s an opinion, of course. Also, the lighting is dark and the dance numbers don’t sparkle with gumption all the way through. Maybe the huge wings weigh her down so she can’t step quite as lightly as she needs to, ala Dancing with the Stars.

You might get the idea I don’t dig this, that’s wrong, friendo! I’m 57 years old, and probably incapable of getting it properly, but I’m trying. But don’t wanna watch it again fur fear of vertigo. Doin’ a 180 degree turn around on your image is hard on your constitution. Is Goth really Miley’s cup of tea? Goth is outta her league; (You might remember), Brittany Spears does it right with her python routine. Miley is misguided, but may move copy if her public is on the inside of this ‘fractured fairytale’ of carnival misappropriation.

This is just what P.T. Barnum did to make a fortune. It looks like I’m grabbing the wrong bag again? True, I make mistakes sometimes. Yet I fear that the water Hannah’s treading is laced with filmy oil, seagulls are chokin’ black crude. Verdure and wildlife alike wilt like daisies in a cheap microwave oven, with campy sets and tarred and feathered a la plume extras. Crispy critters crawl through the debris…One only hopes this poor song won’t be massively rotated at topless clubs all over the country? I digress a last time – HANNAH MONTANA GETS KNACKY!

Sexy Bird Woman (Girl) Aves Cyrus-Miley’s new OVER-THE-TOP video, Can’t Be Tamed