I Have a Date with an X-Ray Machine – Should I go All the Way?


(Transcription of Audio Podcast)

Phewwww! I got out of the air in enough time, seems Phoenix airport- where I flew out of yesterday- started their full body scan today.

The headlines today: “New Airport Security Measures” a full body x-ray machine that X-rays the whole body starts today in theaters near you! Technology that creates revealing images of people’s bodies to find hidden weapons. Man, I have always said that I would never get my comedy from below the belt so I will leave that headline alone.

It is called a viral strip search machine. Do you remember the old glasses we bought as a kid that allowed us to see through folk’s clothes? X-ray specs. Well, this is the same thing, but at a bit of a different price tag, about $200,000 a machine.

Anyhow, seems this thing would be able to get a glimpse of you in less than you want to see yourself in, in a matter of seconds; revealing any and all the suspicious items.

Now, this thing has the ability to see everything, so they, upon request will be blurring out certain areas. How they could do that one consistently, I do not know. My suggestion is to follow someone your own height OR they might be blurring your eyes and your knees ladies.

Now, I suspect you passed if you walk through and they wink at you or fail if they laugh. This may just be the thing that stops air travel. Air travel by itself can be humbling to even the most veteran flyer, with a lost suitcase or late flight. A full body cavity search maybe the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Now it’s called the “backscatter”, but it is the front we are worried about.

Word has it that IF you don’t want to have this done to you, you have a choice; you can do the customary pat down search. With this much technology and security, Houdini would have not been the escape artist he was.

My plan: Show up in your birthday suit, that way it will save time in the lines, you know, taking everything off, boots and shoes and after that, you get through the gate, well they give you an outfit that looks like outfits that we make our kids wear to schools these days. You know, separate the good gang members from the bad gang members.

Or better yet, how about we team up with the medical world- you know airports and medical world, and offer a package… X-ray for hazardous or precious materials. Oh, by the way, they also have a foot version at about the same price. And after all, folks that don’t want to take off your shoes it will cost you about $100 dollars a year for this service and you have to have a background check. My suggestion on this one is … spend the money on a few pairs of clean socks and throw in a few pair of underwear in case you have to go to the hospital.

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Will Roberts is a trick roper and cowboy humorist, who pays tribute to Will Rogers, America’s cowboy, with a wit as quick as his rope. Will is a syndicated political cartoonist and was recently the trick-roping cowboy at Cirque du Soleil.

Will has covered the Republican National Convention, Democrat events and the McCain-Obama debates. At home in front of or behind the camera, in front of or behind a radio microphone, Will reports what he sees, usually with a twist of humor.