Let’s Shoot For 100% Full Unemployment!

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Wait, wait, now y’all just hear me out, this really isn’t a bad idea. Just think, with 100% full unemployment we could collectively achieve the following:

1. Eliminate the Department of Labor! Think about it – with no one working there’s no need for us to subsidize the Department of Labor with our tax dollars. That would mean eliminating around 18,000 federal jobs, what a savings that would be! On top of that we could get rid of a lot of needless legislation that also costs everyone money as we won’t need it with all of us being out of work. The good news is that we won’t have to worry about how much people are paid an hour, job discrimination, or pay equity because everyone will be watching TV and reading articles instead. And hopefully my articles – just sayin’.

2. End “bum discrimination” and the needless name calling that accompanies it! With no work and no employment comes not ever again having to call someone a “lazy bum,” “shirker,” or “deadbeat!” And eliminating those less than politically labels will make people so much happier and content, as we all know and appreciate that a world without 100% pure political correctness is like a day without Captain Crunch – pure yuckers!

3. Convert all the abandoned business properties into government subsidized housing! With no one working all the businesses will close, but hey, that doesn’t have to be a total negative! With all those government owned buildings vacant, what better place to offer all the newly unemployed free housing? Imagine the pride you’d have in housing your very own family in the former Pentagon or Fort Knox! Just think of the history, the pride, the smell of gold permeating your entire home! And if all the residents get together and organize a collective grass cutting cooperative, well then, free landscaping services will be added into the mix (except, of course, for the gasoline for the mowers that no one will be able to pay for anyway so it’s a moot point to begin with). Idleness rocks!

4. Stop having to watch schlocky movies or politically themed TV programs! This will be easy enough to achieve as no one will be making schlocky movies or TV programs anymore because no one will be working to produce them! Still though, no one will have to go without entertainment for the foreseeable future – there’ll still be tons of old movies and DVD players which can be used to play them until they all wear out. When that happens we can have a big national push to make charades our national pastime so that entertainment is never a problem again!

5. Stop having to pay exorbitantly high prices for food, gas, or utilities! There won’t be any food, gas, or utilities as who’ll be out there producing them? Maybe we’ll all just have to make a daily expedition out into the closest available woods in order to forage for critters, acorns, and nuts – not much of a price to have to pay for staying 100% unemployed, now is it? Another added bonus is that our national obesity problem will quickly become a thing of the past!

6. Stop having to worry about health care or even sanitation! With no doctors or hospitals it’ll be survival of the fittest. Animals don’t have health care and neither will we, but we’ll all be equal from an employment and income standpoint and what can be any fairer than that?

7. Hope that China will buy up most of our remaining assets, and, since they’ll be richer than us then they might provide us with even greater unemployment insurance!

It’s not that farfetched. Since China holds a lot of our national debt it’ll only be natural that they’ll want to buy up all our buildings and industries in order for them to kind of complete their own economic trifecta. And when they do, they’ll surely want to give us even bigger unemployment checks as a thank you for their great fortune! Just think, we’ll all be able to learn all about their culture, appreciate their foods, and benefit from their human rights kindnesses, think about those they’ve so aptly demonstrated in the past. We’ll live in a virtual Chinese/American utopia, with only reality and the having to forget the basics of what made America great our only stumbling blocks.

So as now y’all can see, striving for 100% national unemployment is a very good thing! It’s about time we all admit that fairness to the nth degree is a lot more important than rewarding mundane things like creativity, effort, and initiative. Why, if we can achieve the 100% full unemployment utopia humbly described here then the next fairness hurdle to cross is the elimination of scoreboards at all professional sporting events – why should a whole team have to go home after a game feeling badly about themselves?